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Author
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Topic: Healing Life's Hurts
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Carol Swenson
Admin
Member # 6929
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posted
quote:
Do you think a lot of us look for love in all the wrong places? I’m sure we do.
Yep, some people do that a lot. They keep trying, and repeating the same mistakes over and over.
I married a Senior Chief Petty Officer when I was in the Navy. I thought he was the greatest. But he was very unfaithful. I never had the heart to remarry. I just never could really trust anyone except the Lord.
One of the earlier posts said:
quote:
Many relationships are dysfunctional because they contain “faulty programs” downloaded from past relationships. Most people are not consciously aware of this, but in fact, it has been shown to be true. This is why people find themselves dealing with the same types of issues over and over again no matter how many partners they may have.
I think this is very true. We fall into patterns without realizing it. I think we need to be really honest with ourselves and ask the Lord to help us become "fit" for a relationship instead of only thinking about what we want from a relationship. And we need to be willing to let go of whatever stereotype we fantasize about and let the Lord choose for us.
I'm hoping that some of the members here who have enjoyed long successful marriages will offer their advice.
Posts: 6787 | From: Colorado | Registered: Dec 2007
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MentorsRiddle
Advanced Member
Member # 2108
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posted
Carol, I agree with everything you have posted.
Do you think a lot of us look for love in all the wrong places? I’m sure we do.
The bible says be equally yoked – and I think there’s a lot to be said for that passage.
I would like to add something, if I may.
I think that we must look for someone of the same caliber as us, regarding spirituality, interests, desires, etc.
I think a large problem with relationships today is that people “settle” for someone that isn’t compatible with their selves and fall short in the marriage or bond.
I know, and now believe, that one of my biggest problems in all of my relationships is that I have never been equally yoked with my companion.
There is a spirituality within me that desires to come out, be discussed and talked about – and I desire to do that with people I’m with. However, most people I’ve been with – if not all – have not wanted to talk about God for long periods of time.
Most of the time I felt that the short spans they would actually talk about God with me was just to humor me. But, I don’t know their walk with the Lord and I can only hope I was wrong.
The next relationship I let myself become involved in – things are going to be different. I’m not going to “settle” anymore.
I want a Christian woman now… not just someone who acts like it, but doesn’t believe it. It may be hard to find that good person, but I believe one for me is out there.
These have all been great posts and something I think deserves more study but Christians and non-Christians alike.
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With you I rise,
In you I sleep,
kneeling down I kiss your feet,
Grace abounds upon me now,
I once was lost
but now I'm found.
The gift of God dwells within,
To this love I now give in.
Posts: 1337 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Sep 2003
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TB125
Advanced Member
Member # 2450
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posted
For more commentary on this matter see my statement regarding "A Good Marriage" here: http://christianityetc.org/a_good_marriage.php It includes a very logical argument against same-sex marriages.
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Bob
Posts: 449 | From: Rockford Illinois | Registered: Nov 2003
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Carol Swenson
Admin
Member # 6929
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posted
Making Marriage Last
The Apostle Paul says that the wife is “bound” to her husband as long as he lives (Romans 7:2). The principle here is that either the husband or wife has to die before the marriage bond is broken. This is God's command, but in our modern society marriage ends in divorce over 51 percent of the time. That means that over half of the couples who make the vow “Till death do us part” break that vow.
What can the married couple do to ensure that their marriage will last? The first and most important issue is one of obedience to God and His Word. This is a principle that should be in force before the marriage. God says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). For the born-again believer, this means not beginning a close relationship with anyone who is not also a believer. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). If this one principle were followed, it would save a lot of heartache and suffering later in marriages.
Another principle that would protect the longevity of a marriage is that the husband should obey God and love, honor, and protect his wife as he would his own body (Ephesians 5:25-31). The corresponding principle is that the wife should obey God and submit to her own husband “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). The marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. Christ gave Himself for the church and He loves, honors, and protects her as His “bride” (Revelation 19:7-9).
When God brought Eve to Adam in the first marriage, she was made from his “flesh and bone” (Genesis 2:21) and they became “one flesh” (Genesis 2:23-24). Becoming one flesh means more than just a physical union. It means a meeting of the mind and soul to form one unit. This relationship goes far beyond sensual or emotional attraction and into the realm of spiritual “oneness” that can only be found as both partners surrender to God and each other. This relationship is not centered on “me and my” but on “us and our.” This is one of the secrets to a lasting marriage. Making a marriage last until death is something both partners have to make a priority. Solidifying one's vertical relationship with God goes a long way toward ensuring that the horizontal relationship between a husband and wife is a lasting, and therefore God-honoring, one.
http://www.gotquestions.org/making-marriage-last.html
Posts: 6787 | From: Colorado | Registered: Dec 2007
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Carol Swenson
Admin
Member # 6929
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posted
Christian Romance
Although there are no references to the word romance in the Bible, there are 281 mentions of love. Since the dictionary definition for romance is "ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; a love affair," these two terms can sometimes be used interchangeably. But the true meaning of love, as defined in the Bible, has been corrupted in the common usage of our English language and society. Most often, love is confused with infatuation - that elated, "high" feeling we get when we "fall in love." This kind of "love" is something that lasts typically a short time and, unless replaced by true love, results in broken relationships.
The Bible covers two types of love: agape and phileo. Agape love is represented by God's love for us. It is a non-partial, sacrificial love best demonstrated by the gift in John 3:16. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." This kind of love is unconditional. The "Love Chapter" in 1 Corinthians deals more explicitly with this. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a). This passage is often quoted at weddings and other celebrations of love.
Agape is a connection through the spirit. A true manifestation of this requires a relationship with Christ. For without Him, agape love isn't exhibited in its truest form. We, as humans, can't reach this level alone. We need our Heavenly Father's Spirit in us, working through us. "The Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23). Only through that Spirit can we reach this goal.
The other kind of love, phileo, is considered "brotherly love." It is usually based upon how others treat us and our feelings in any given situation. It involves direct interaction and sometimes comes with a price tag of expectation, wanting something back in return. It's a demonstrative form of love offered through the soul. But, it's also a command from God. "Let us love one another, because love comes from God" (1 John 4:7).
Love is the attribute of God that means the most to us. If God didn't love us, whom He created, He would have traded us in for a better model long ago. Despite our many failures, God keeps working with us (Romans 5:8). Time and time again, despite His patience being tested, He demonstrates that love for His people. He only banned Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. He didn't take their lives. He spared the world because He found one man of upright faith in Noah. He rescued Lot from Sodom before destroying that city. He made Abraham the father of many nations and blessed him with his long-awaited son, despite Abraham's impatience when he fathered a son through his wife's servant.
In the same way God shows His love for us, He expects us to love Him totally and to show love toward each other. "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27). Jesus spoke these words when the Pharisees questioned Him about the greatest commandment of God. Although they tried to trick Him, Jesus didn't change the law; He fulfilled it. His sayings about love were not new. The emphasis was merely changed.
The relationships in our lives will either be governed by agape or phileo love. When thinking in terms of romance, we allow the manifestation of that agape love to pour out from our hearts. As a result, we are eager to do everything we can to please the other person and make that person happy. In a love relationship between a man and a woman, the romance is the physical evidence of the love that exists. When that relationship progresses to marriage, the love built between the man and woman only grows deeper as the bond is made stronger through the intimate union of body and soul. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Biblical love elevates the husband's affections for his wife to the point of loving his wife "as his own body." It also instructs wives to submit to their husbands as the head of the household (Eph. 5:25-29). But submission doesn't mean subservience. On the contrary, when true agape love is manifested in the marriage, the two will act as one, and both will love the other as they love themselves. The tenderness and romance will come out of that love.
By far, the best book in the Bible on this romantic and agape type of love is the Song of Solomon. An oft-quoted and many times favorite of romantics, this book demonstrates the parallel between the agape love Christ has for His church and the deep, abiding love a husband has for his bride. The lover and beloved exchange dialogue with each other, and the beloved speaks with her friends. Every passage attests to the deep and abiding love between the lover and beloved. The two are so consumed with that love that it fills them and gives them strength to face each new day. They find comfort and solace in each other's arms and are incomplete without each other. Being together excites them, and when they're apart, they anticipate their reunion.
But, above everything else that is demonstrated in God's Word, it's important to keep in mind that love/romance is an action. It's not passive, and it's not a feeling. It's a verb. It requires you to do something in order to bring it to pass. It also requires that you put the other person's wants and desires above your own. Whenever you need a reminder, go back and read 1 Corinthians 13. And remember, you don't have to do it alone. God's Spirit will work through you. All you have to do is ask.
http://www.gotquestions.org/Christian-romance.html
Posts: 6787 | From: Colorado | Registered: Dec 2007
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Carol Swenson
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Member # 6929
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posted
You're right. There is a lot of self-indulgence in our society, and the roles of men and women have become confused. As always, the Bible teaches the right way to live.
Ephesians 5:22-24 said, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything"
But also, Ephesians 5:25-28 said, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave him himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with the water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkles or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
Ephesians 6:1-4 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Posts: 6787 | From: Colorado | Registered: Dec 2007
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MentorsRiddle
Advanced Member
Member # 2108
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posted
Carol.
Over the past few days I’ve been talking in depth to a lot of my friends about relationships and problems that arise out of them.
I have made the statement several time, “too many men are acting like boys – and too many women are acting like girls.”
I think most people are just being selfish and that just isn’t how a relationship should be.
I made the comment to my friend Krystal the other day that I am no longer looking for a “girl” but a “Woman.”
I think women need to start looking for “Men” and not “boys.”
My friend Cody also said, “I think too many people today are trying to live the MTV lifestyle, and that just don’t work.”
That is so true….
Too many people are trying to live the life of sin with the life of purity – and they just don’t mix.
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With you I rise,
In you I sleep,
kneeling down I kiss your feet,
Grace abounds upon me now,
I once was lost
but now I'm found.
The gift of God dwells within,
To this love I now give in.
Posts: 1337 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Sep 2003
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Carol Swenson
Admin
Member # 6929
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posted
Hi MentorsRiddle! Thanks! ![[hug]](graemlins/hug.gif) I'm praying about some issues in my life and some of my friends' lives, so I've been doing some research. Maybe others here will benefit too.
Dysfunctional Relationships vs. Healthy Relationships
How would you describe your relationship? If you knew that there were very clear distinctions that separate a dysfunctional relationship from a healthy one, would that make a difference to you? If so, read on. Discover the differences and take the little test at the end. You might be surprised by what you learn.
Many relationships are dysfunctional because they contain “faulty programs” downloaded from past relationships. Most people are not consciously aware of this, but in fact, it has been shown to be true. This is why people find themselves dealing with the same types of issues over and over again no matter how many partners they may have.
Whether it is money, sex, jealousy, fidelity, or any number of other issues, to some degree or another, the theme is the same for them in the current relationship as those of the past.
A dysfunctional relationship has certain qualities about it. These qualities are as follows:
1. A sense that you have to fit into someone else's perception of what is right or wrong in order to be loved.
2. You feel confined.
3. There is always something to fix in the relationship.
4. You feel like you're settling.
5. Who you are is diminished in the relationship.
6. Your needs are not met in one way or another.
7. You're never going to be good enough.
8. You feel trapped.
9. Being there is not what you really want, but you're afraid to leave.
10. You find other ways to satisfy yourself to keep your mind off how unhappy you are in the situation.
11. When it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad it's horrible.
These are just some of the signs of a typical dysfunctional relationship.
On the other hand, a healthy relationship has these characteristics:
1. You feel honored.
2. You feel more alive.
3. There is nurturing and support for you to become more of who you are.
4. There is strength coming from your partner allowing you to explore ways to expand into new territories.
5. There is trust.
6. The goals are the same, even though the ways of expressing them may be different.
7. Each brings healing into the other through depth and security.
8. The relationship causes you to create a new dynamic based on the future rather than on what has been known in the past.
9. There seems to be a knowing about the other person that goes beyond this time and space, as if you had known each other before.
10. Your partner is more than you would have known to ask for.
11. You wonder how you ever got this lucky.
The differences are dramatic! Take this simple test to see where your relationship falls regarding these distinctions.
Answer these questions by using a scale between 1-10. 1 being not at all and 10 being all the time.
1. To what degree do you experience support from your partner?
2. How would you rate the amount of time you feel safe in your relationship?
3. How much of the time do you feel motivated to expand your boundaries within this relationship?
4. How honored do you feel in the presence of your mate?
5. What level of enjoyment do you experience as a result of this relationship?
6. How much of yourself do you allow to be expressed within this relationship?
7. What level of compatibility do you have in common with your significant other?
8. How would you rate the goals and objectives you have in life with those of your mate?
9. How close are your principles and ideals of how a relationship should be with those of your partner?
10. How willing are each of you to communicate openly and honestly about your needs and desires within the relationship?
It should be relatively easy to determine how you rate the quality of relationship you are in by answering these questions. Take the time now to evaluate what kind of relationship you truly desire. Balance that with the answers you gave. What’s there? What’s missing?
No, there’s no “standard” score here to measure your relationship. It is much more powerful for you to evaluate it for yourself and come to your own conclusions.
http://www.soulpoint.com/newrelationships.html
Posts: 6787 | From: Colorado | Registered: Dec 2007
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MentorsRiddle
Advanced Member
Member # 2108
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posted
Wonderful post, Carol!
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With you I rise,
In you I sleep,
kneeling down I kiss your feet,
Grace abounds upon me now,
I once was lost
but now I'm found.
The gift of God dwells within,
To this love I now give in.
Posts: 1337 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Sep 2003
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Carol Swenson
Admin
Member # 6929
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posted
One of the facts of life is that we are destined to repeat in one form or another those dysfunctions we fail to resolve, or take out our hurt and anger on the ones we love. This is why it is imperative that, with God's help, we resolve them. The following steps will help.
First, we need to admit that we have been hurt, that we have a problem, and that we need healing.
Second, we need to want healing bad enough to be willing to face our pain rather than bury it. As Jesus, the Master Physician, said to a man who had been an invalid for 38 years: "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:6) Only those who want to be healed will be. The half-hearted never make it.
Third, it is not enough to talk about our painful feelings. We need to find a safe place with a trusted friend, counselor, a therapy group, or a recovery group to experience and express all our feelings of hurt, guilt, shame, anger, fear, plus our sins and faults. These are the secrets that comprise our dark side which, unconfessed, keep us bound. As it has been said, "We are as sick as our secrets."
We don't overcome our faults, addictions and sins by being good but by confession, by being connected to trusted others, and by being loved. That is, by bringing our dark side to the light and being accepted by a few who know us fully and love us still. Most, if not all of our addictions and destructive behaviors are an acting out of our not feeling loved.
Fourth, when necessary, where we have hurt somebody else, we need to seek their forgiveness.
Fifth, we then need to forgive all who have hurt us. This frees us from the past. Remember, however, we cannot put forgiveness over the top of unresolved hurt, grief or anger. These must be dealt with and resolved first.
Sixth, we also need to confess our sins and faults to God and ask for and receive his forgiveness. His Word says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9 NIV)
Seventh, we need to forgive ourselves, let go of the past, and move ahead to become the persons God planned for us to be.
Finally, we need prayer and God's help. I don't believe in the magic of quick fixes, but I do believe in the miracle of God's healing. In fact, one of the names for God in Hebrew, "Yahweh-rophe," literally means "The Lord who heals."
God wants to heal us and has shown us the way. It's in the Bible which says, "Confess your sins and faults to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." (James 5:16) Do you want to be healed? Do it God's way and you will be.
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