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Author
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Topic: Help Me Help My Son
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hovel
New Member
Member # 5419
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by TomTheBaptist:
Long before I sat my son down for our talk, he stumbled upon a certain collection of adult magazines I had locked in a trunk in the attic. I had totally forgot about leaving them there...
Please forgive me for asking this.
It is NOT with the intent to lay guilt or blame.
However, I could not help but wonder the wisdom
in keeping a "trunk in the attic" with such
mags in the first place. If you had moved on
from that erroneous part of your life,
why have you kept that trunk with such material?
Why didn't you just throw it in the trash?
I understand the sin of porn-ography is a hard
one to overcome, but if it is truly overcome,
wouldn't that mean such materials would have been
discarded or destroyed?
And even so, leaving it for someone else to discover, particularly a family member, only begs for that moment to happen where you'll be left to explain yourself in an embarrassing light.
The truth is, just as much as there were consequences to your sins, there will be consequences your son will have to deal with for his own. I just thank God we have a Savior
that has the grace and wisdom to love us whereever we are in life, and help us to overcome all sin. We are sinners first before we are saved.
Just be patient with your son. It will take time.
It reminds me of a falling out I had with my sister who decided to leave the church entirely,
disgusted with its fundamentalism and politics,
and at the time, I berated her for it in much
the same attitude your son berated you.
But after some years have passed, we now both look back at that time to see how we both have erred.
Just as much as God has called us to be holy,
we must also, as followers of Christ, forgive.
Despite your son's anger, he will have to come
to that point where he will be faced to forgive
you of your sins, and eventually, forgive himself.
Forgiveness is never easy.
But my goodness, once it is applied, the burden
that is lifted gives such a sweet feeling,
the possiblity of love just floods open wide
like sunshine on a Sunday morning.
Just remember that in your patience with your son, you continue to pray for love and wisdom as a parent towards him, which usually starts with looking yourself in the mirror, or rather,
coming to terms with your own faults before addressing his.
But I'd like to know-
have you asked him to forgive you?
Posts: 6 | From: Atlanta | Registered: Jan 2006
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helpforhomeschoolers
Advanced Member
Member # 15
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posted
I agree; there is no shame in where you have been because you are not there now; that is by the power of God alone. Pornography is a very very powerful tool of the devil and it is not just a man's problem; women can be just as drawn and sucked into the devil's attempts to pervert our sexuality. The lusts of the flesh are not men's lusts.. they are HUMAN's lusts.
Children have a very hard time with hipocracy, but it is important for your son to understand that God works these things out in us in HIS time. I am sure that while you were a Christian who used and was drawn to pornography there were other things in your life and your heart that God was dealing with and he delt with the porn in HIS time. The important thing for your son to know is that God forgives us and God directs us. There is not one of us that can overcoem the lusts of the flesh of our own will.... this is why we need GOD and Christ and the whole Born again experience.
I do not know about you; but I can tell you that there is no sin in my life that I walked away from on my own. It is God that works in us to change the will and the want.
This might just be an excellent opportunity for you and your son to grow together in Christ. Maybe your son is now dealing with his own guilt and hipocracy for the things that he said to you??? The enemy sure would use just that situation to keep him in bondage. He needs to know that sin is sin and when we sin we have an advocate and intercessor and that the only danger we have is in not acknowledging and confessing our sin.
Sexual sin is the most greivous because it is sin against God and sin against our own bodies, and there is much reason that the enemy seeks this avenue the most hardily when attacking us and our homes.
My experience is that when we face him face to face and without fear then he has nothing. Go to your pastor. Tell him what you have overcome; tell him how it affected your family; tell him what your son found. Tell your son that you are not ashamed of where you have been because God has led you from there to here. Tell your son that there is no shame in where he is either except that he stay there.
The enmy just loves to think that he has us because we have some ugly thing in our closet. Well you know what there is nothing but nothing in our closet that the blood of Christ cannot wash clean. This life is a walk a progressive walk in which we are moved from glory to glory and become more and more the image of Christ and less and less the image of Adam.
Maybe God has allowed this to progress with your son that your son come to see the hipocracy of his own judgments of you. We have all fallen short and we all need a savior. Maybe it is because you need to get past the shame of where you have been and take stock in where HE has brought you to? We need Godly men in our churches who are not ashamed to say, I have been there and Done that and God has deliviered me and he can deliver you! The church is right now full of men in bondage to sexual sin and women to and we need to know that there is no shame that God cant heal.
I want to say to you brother... stop viewing this as a problem and ask God to help you see the opoportunity that he has provided you here with your son inspite of what the enemy has dropped at your door. What does God want to come of this situation? That is where you will find your direction. Sometimes we have to go up... look at your problem from HIS view where you are seated with HIM in the heavenlies. I guarantee you the picture is different there than it is as you see it standing face to face with your own shame and your imagination in front of your son's locked door. I pray that makes sense. Look for the opportunity God is providing in spite of the works of the devil and you will see the direction you need to go.
I want you to know that I have spoken with my husband about what I would write to you in regard to this matter... and we will both be praying for you and your son!
God Bless & Keep you and your house!
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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HisGrace
unregistered
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posted
You may be surprised how open your pastor would be to this subject. There are so many temptations available these days, that many Christians get caught up in the attractions of this world, and frequently pastors find themselve counselling on such topics.
If he does not feel as if he has the capabilities to discuss the subject, he may direct you to a more qualified source.
This certainly is a real crises in your family, and only strong intervention from a higher power will help. Turn it over totally to the Lord; he has the answer to every question no matter how difficult it is.
Don't be ashamed to ask for help Tom - you may have to step out in humility.
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TomTheBaptist
New Member
Member # 5402
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posted
Thanks for the advice my brothers and sisters. I have already sat down to have a talk with my son about his "personal exploration," but unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worse. Long before I sat my son down for our talk, he stumbled upon a certain collection of adult magazines I had locked in a trunk in the attic. I had totally forgot about leaving them there. I'll be honest, I wasn't the most devout Baptist in my younger years, but I've accepted Jesus and learned the errors of my perverse ways. I tried to explain this to my son, but he spat in my face, called me a hyprocrit, and said that his mother was a "woman of illrepute" for marrying a man like me. I'm hesitant to get my pastor involved because of the nature of this problem, but I'm not sure where else to go.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2006
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helpforhomeschoolers
Advanced Member
Member # 15
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posted
I dont think that it should be ignored either, but I think that the issue is not that he locks his door. And you dont want to condemn or accuse him. How have your discussed sexuality with him? I think that this is the real issue. Have you discussed issues of sexuality and lusts of the flesh with your son? You really dont even need to speak about what you think he is doing if you speak to him about what you need him to know from a Biblical perspective about being a Godly young man. Do you have a church or a pastor or youth pastor that you can bring in to support you? To me, these are the issues with our children... we need to teach them that sexuality is not evil, but God given for HIS purpose.. that it is reserved for marriage. We need to teach them about how the enemy perverts our sexuality; we need to speak with them about the lust of the flesh and that we are not animals who have no control over these things. We most of all I think need them to know that sex is a wonderful thing, given by God, but it is to be expressed in a Godly way with our marriage partner.. it is a gift to them. It is an expression of love in a way that we are blessed through blessing the one we love and is not intended to be expressed single -ly or outside of marriage.
Advice: Just talk to your son. Let him know that you understand all the feelings of a young man who is coming into his sexuality and discovering the earthly pleasures of that sexuality, but that there is more... there is a spiritual side of this and God wants the expression of his sexuality to be the very best most excellent thing that it can be and that will be with his wife one day.
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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HisGrace
unregistered
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posted
Great advice from Bandit. I don't think it should be ignored. Is there any way you can make him leave his door unlocked, or partially open? This behaviour may have become an addiction already and will continue if he is given the opportunity.
Will be praying for you and your family as you seek proper discernment.
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Bandit
Advanced Member
Member # 3643
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posted
Hello Tom.
I'm not much good with boys. All I have are girls. There is a lot you didn't say and which is none of my business: like your son's age, hobbies, friends, pastimes, etc. If you haven't been, start being more involved in your son's life. The more you share with him on a personal level, the more he will likely share with you (eventually). And realize that when kids hit their teenage years, they do need their space at times. Find out who his friends are at school. Allow your son to have his friends over when you are around so you can get to know them. Be sensitive and pray for guidance. I will be praying for you. And don't react too quickly or harshly - be patient.
Bandit
Posts: 113 | From: Melbourne, Florida | Registered: Jul 2004
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TomTheBaptist
New Member
Member # 5402
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posted
I'm beginning to have serious concerns that my son is experimenting with, let's call it, "self-exploration." He's constantly locking himself in his room for hours on end, and we're running through about three tissue boxes a week. My wife says I should ignore this problem, but I'm worried that my son is heading down a path towards Satan, or at the very least away from Christ. I've heard that negative reinforcement is a good way to curb bad habits. Any suggestions?
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2006
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