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Author Topic: I need some help.
Ray Matteson
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Member # 4197

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My prayers are with you, brother. I have been a Christian most of my life and I was born again in the Spirit 12 years ago. I have struggled many times and have fallen short in the glory of God so many times. My first marraige ended after I was saved and my ex-wife just could exist in that marraige any longer. I pray for her, still and we are friends. About 4 and half years ago, I met Heather. Heather had a rough childhood. Her father died when she was very, very young and her mother had been involved with men that were abusive, alcoholics, and drug addicts. Her step-father had been saved and turned his life around. He is now a Pastor at a Pentecostal church and I was so honored on the day that he married us. That was 3 and half years ago.
I promised him that I would lead this family, my two daughters that I have sole custody of, Heather and her daughter to the Lord.

I failed. I became wrapped up and focused on things of this world. My job. Money. All kinds of things that I just shouldn't have. One month ago, Heather informed me that she was leaving me.
You see, we got involved in online gaming and I was way too into it at one time, but I turned away from it. Heather didn't. She would stay up all night and play and sleep all day. She gained weight...which I didn't care about. She forgot basic duties for our children. She isolated herself and just wouldn't go out with me and enjoy herself. The final blow to me was that she blamed me for all of this.

I did what I had to do. I begged her to go to the church or ANY counselor and she refused. She said that she was finished and that was that. So, I took down the network in our home. This way she couldn't play her game and hang out all night with some 19 year old boy in Florida while I slept in our bed. I even went so far as to delete her characters in this game which hurt her worse than anything ever has. I didn't understand this at all and she said that she would never have done anything as mean as that to me. I told her that by removing herself and our daughter from this marraige, she had hurt me very deeply.

OK...that's the rundown of the problem. The solution that I found was by going back to the Lord and just seeking comfort from Him and the strength that only He can give. I have found peace and I feel very good today. While all of this was happening in my life, I found out that my sister may have the onset of Multiple Sclerosis. Again, I went to the Lord. I have been comforted and I have found peace. My sister is comforted as well and she is praying daily.

My point is that although my marraige was in jeopardy, I was focused at first on my wife coming back to me and making me happy. When that didn't happen, I went insane. My focus was not where it should have been and so, I went to the Lord and gave it all to Him. I have found peace and I pray for my wife daily. I know that we will never be together again and it is very hard sometimes to go on. Still, He gives me strength and enough love that I can honestly pray for her to overcome this compulsion that she has.

All your answers....any peace that you need...any strength you need will be found in Him. Pray earnestly and honestly. His will may not be visible to us and we may not understand, but His plan is already in place. We just need to keep our eyes on Him and our hearts open.

Take care.

God bless you and your family.

Yours in Christ,

"I'm so tired of living for the kind of love that only comes and goes...the pain, the shame...tear me up inside" - Ten Shekel Shirt

Posts: 4 | From: Virginia | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Big Joe,
Hang in there! The race is not to the swift or talented; Christ promises the crown to those who keep on keepin' on.

A decade at 30 seems forever, but even a lifetime of 70 years is just a blink of tbe eye in God's eternity. The goal in our life is not our sexual, intellectual, or career satisfaction. The goal is to hear God say, "Well done thou good and faithful servant."

Having been sexually molested as a child (I am male) and introduced to porn very young my advice is to work on your mind control.

1. read the word daily (always increasing the time spent in the word).

2. pray the word (daily).

3. memorize the word.

4. control your thought pattern, don't think on the porn stuff think on God's word.

5. constantly give thanks to God for your wife. Every small positive you give thanks for will grow.

Will this change your wife? No!
Will this change you? YES!!
But not overnight, it takes time to grow a mighty oak from a small acorn.
God is working miracles in you daily, you just need to see them.

If you want to talk off the bbs email me.

Carlsbad, CA

Posts: 25 | From: Carlsbad, CA | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 2898

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Hi Joe

Yeah, someone please step forward who has genuine insight into this kind of situation. I have never had a real significant other person in my life for an extended period of time. I'm kind of a loner through life. I've endured very long spells in my life with no partner-type affection whatsoever... so I can really indentify with, as you say, "going through my 20's alone." I understand how hard it can be to have courage and keep faith going despite a world of spiritual counter-attack that happens to you.

Let me add just one thought... then I pray someone with really useful councel comes along.

I tend to look at people sideways when they shun away from the topic of sex WITHIN marriage. It's part of the partnership--and I believe, part of the cement that binds a husband and wife's connection to each other. Giving your body to someone is an ultimate show of trust--and that's why it is so shameful that the secular world has eliminated that elelment and made sex a throw-away pleasure, like a carnival ride. Has your wife ever considered that YOU are God's blessing to her? You're the one who has been her source of love (and sex) without the abuse added. There's no question that those terrible incidents mis-colored her view of sexuality. And you are living proof that physical love and abuse do not go hand-in-hand. Your wife has been richly blessed with YOU. Why deny something that God provided husbands and wives?

I realize that is a simplistic statement. But an honest opinion. I pray that the Lord will show you in the days ahead that he hasn't put your problem on the back-burner, or has forgotten you. Remember, it's like sitting at a crossroads waiting for a train to go by. We only see one boxcar at a time, and think the train has no end. But God stands on the mountain top, and sees the whole train from engine to caboose--and is whispering "if he'll just sit tight for two more minutes, he'll see that caboose round the bend into view." God bless you, and your marriage. May this special time of year draw you closer, and God's inspiration give you courage. Amen.

Posts: 223 | From: california | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Wow, we have some people on this message board going through some pretty heavy stuff. I really feel for you. I will be up front and let you know I am not married, so I cannot say I know how you feel. Someone much wiser than I will come along and be able to provide you with some words of wisdom. But, I can tell you that GOD's timing is not OUR timing. Just because you feel like you have done all that you can do, doesn't mean it's OK to just give up now. The Bible is very clear on divorce, and although that may seem like the best option, those feelings are carnal, not spiritual. I mean, you said it yourself.
I don't want to try anymore
Well, it's not about what you want, but what would God want.

Sometimes it takes a while for some to post a response, but I just wanted to post something, if at least to let know I will say a prayer for you and your family. But, again, someone much wiser than I will come along with a post soon. Bottom line, in my humble opinion, is that you need to do whatever necessary to make the marriage work, even if it mean's starting all over again (with her) after 10 years.

Take care and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.


I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. (Ps. 84:10b)

1 John 2:6
Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

Listen Online:

Posts: 604 | From: Michigan | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 4180

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First off, my name is not Joe. There is a chance that someone I know could be posting on this MB, so I decided to take this route instead, due to the embarrassment and shame I feel.

All I ask is for some honest advice and some understanding, and for no one to judge me, or my wife. I will be as honest as allowed on this MB, and am genuinely searching for help from some married couples, or a someone with the answers.

I have been a Christain for most of my life, raised in a Godly home, and attend church on a regular basis.

I have been married for over 10 years, and have two sons. And this brings me to my reason for coming here.

For over 10 years, my marriage has been a disaster. I married a woman who was sexually assualted twice when she was a young child. I did not know of this until our honeymoon which turned out to be A nightmare. We constantly struggled for the next 10 years, with issues over sex, and how she refused to get help with this issue. I even went to counciling with the pastors myself, to try to gain understanding on her, and the issues at hand. I also, got myelf into habits I should not have in Porn, due to my frustration and anger over being married, but not having a wife.

About a year ago, went to a marriage class offered at the church. It really helped, and I saw a turn in our marriage. But it did not last, and we began to have issues again. About a month ago, we were ready to file for divorce, until she decided to put an effort in, and get help with her ghosts of the past, and our marriage.

All sounds good right? Not for me. Everything that has happened has burned me out. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to get hurt again with her behavior toward me, and honestly speaking, I am tired of praying and trusting God on this. I have waited patiently, and given it my all. I am angry that she left me alone in my marriage for all these years, and how I wasted my 20's on being alone, only to try NOW.

I need to talk to someone, and I don't want anyone in my family, or my church to know where I am at in my life.


Posts: 1 | From: Arizona | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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