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Author
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Topic: where was God?
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LaurieFL
Advanced Member
Member # 3794
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posted
Wow, 60 pages! We talk too much sometimes ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Posts: 700 | Registered: Aug 2004
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wondering04
Community Member
Member # 4113
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posted
Hi, I am hoping it is ok that I broke this thread and started a part two. Right now, when I printed this out it was 60 pages long, and I needed to print out the topic so I could address what you had written to me.
Heather
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2004
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helpforhomeschoolers
Advanced Member
Member # 15
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posted
Hi Heather:
For me trusting him as redeemer was without thought. As I shared before at 8 I accepted the Gospel as truth with complete childlike faith and never doubted that he would take me to heaven.
But trusting him to be LORD of my life has been quite another issue. I can't say that it was something I did; I think in reality it was something he did.
It took HIM a lifetime to break me. And he had to do that because I was so full of pride and ego and self-will. So first that had to be stripped away. I had to learn that I was not God, before I could learn who God was and what he was supposed to be in my life. (I don’t think you have this problem and that is good)
Then he started to build in me Faith, which is really what trust is. It is faith. We have faith, but faith placed in ourselves is not very useful and destined for failure or disappointment.
Faith in God comes by hearing and hearing by the word. This is what the scripture says. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Faith is a person and that person is Christ. He is also HOPE, and PEACE and JOY.
We can't trust in someone that we don't know and we can’t know God without knowing HIS word. His word is a person- Christ. But the scriptures all of them speak of Christ.
We have to learn the sound of God's voice; we have to learn what he would say and what he would not say.
The scriptures will cause us to know God and then we once we know him will trust him because in knowing him we learn that he is ALL there is in ALL that there is. He is beginning and End; He is author and finisher of our faith; He is forever on the throne and the only one who ever has been or ever will be in control. Once I realized who I was and who he was trust was easy, there really was no choice. I would have to be a total fool to trust me, when I know that GOD is GOD.
But I did not do this; I did not come to know this on my own, and though our ways of taking control were different, God is not different for me than for you.
He loves you every bit as much as me. He is not a respecter of persons. HE will do what he needs to do to bring you to him that you can fulfill your purpose in this life. And that purpose is the same purpose that all of his children have and that is to be in relationship with him, He being our God and We His people.
So if you need HIM to be love, He will be; if you need him to have a big lap, he will have; if you need him to be patient, He is patient. Are you broken inside? He is the Great Physician. HE is IAM... IAM what ever you need, that is what he is. He is God.
For me I needed someone that was bigger and bad-er than I had become and he was, and it hurt, but I am thankful because above all he was love and mercy and wholeness and completeness and security that I desperately needed.
My whole life I needed to be loved for who I was; and I didn't even know who that was, so the possibility of anyone but God loving me the way I needed to be loved, was an impossibility.
My whole life I needed security and I thought I could have it by my own power; but all things in this life come to pass, and so apart from HIM there is no security.
My whole life I needed this empty space inside me to be filled, but no one or nothing could fill it because it was put there by HIM and it was a space that only HE could fill.
My whole life I needed to be someone besides a victim, and unwanted, unloved child that was not worthy of love, but even more not worthy of even the private dignity of her own body, and so I made myself as far from that pathetic picture as I could be in my own eyes and also in the eyes of all those around me. But what I made was as much a lie as was the poor pathetic child that my father made, and my boyfriend made. In reality what I am is what God thinks I am and the Bible is full of wonderful things that God says I am. That is truth. The rest is a facade...a lie.
I have a list of those things that the scripture says that we are; Ill PM that to you tomorrow.
Lastly, I needed something that was stable; God is that. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Nothing in my life had ever been stable before there was God.
So How did I come to the point of trust, without doubt? The same way that you will. I pray less painfully, but the same way we all do, by HIS POWER, by HIS Word, by the renewing of our minds with the word.
This is how we prove(demonstrate) what is the perfect, good and acceptable will of God. And the perfect, good acceptable will of God is that we be his people and HE our God; that we be in relationship with him who is our Heavenly Father and our Creator; and that we be in submission to HIM that is our Husband Christ and our head... the completion of our bodies.
One day at a time, as long as it takes, by HIS power not ours. That is how we come to trust HIM, trust is nothing more than faith rightly placed. It is what you were created for. It is our destiny our purpose, our calling, our life.
Matthew 10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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wondering04
Community Member
Member # 4113
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posted
I am so grateful that I found this site! Thanks for not being condemning. I probably condemn myself more than the most condemning person could condemn me. Sorry if my words sound convoluted. I had to get up early today for the Girl Scout Pancake Breakfast. The girls did a great job and we made some money to help offset the cost of a trip that they want to take. (about 1/4 the amount to be exact).
For me, the problem seems to be brokenness inside. If you were to ask me to describe my relationship with God, I would have to tell you that I couldn't go boldly into the throne room. I kind of want to hide in the shadows.
I know that this is unfair to God, but when I was kid if an adult said that they loved me, it meant that they wanted something from me and it would hurt. So when I am told that God loves me, I sort of fear that. My mind tells me that He wants only good for me, but the fear reaction is still so much stronger.
I also feel that there is a part of me that no one, not even God can access. The little child part, the part that I had to hide from everyone, so that not all vulnerable parts were exposed. The kind of hidden child.
Someone once told me to crawl into Christ's lap. I would feel that that was an imposition, and improper.
I want so much to trust this God, but I fear that if I ever drew attention to myself He would kick me out. Again I also in my head know that this would not happen, but that vulnerable part of me quivers at that thought.
How did you finally come to the point of trust so that you did not doubt this stuff?
Heather
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2004
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helpforhomeschoolers
Advanced Member
Member # 15
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posted
Hi Me again, after I finished the above, I was re-reading both our posts and I felt like I needed to tell you something about these things:
quote:
The one that I cannot forgive is myself, for all the foolish actions I did. I realize that my parents laid the foundation work for making the choices I did, but at the same time, I MADE the choices. I know I could have made different ones, but I didn't.
No, you didnt and God knew you wouldn't;your choices did not reflect God's perfect will. Abortion for example is killing. But you need to know that God took that Baby straight to heaven; and God in his permissive will let you make those choices; HIS permissive will is never outside of his perfect will, but it is within it. God also knew when he allowed you to make that choice that you would one day know the truth about abortion and that you would repent and that he would forgive you. But in the process because you were deceived and you know what it is to be decieved, you now have wisdom and compassion that will allow you to minister to someone else who has either had an abortion or is comtemplating one. I can minister regarding the deception of abortion. But I have no knowledge with which to understand the pain and guilt of having had one. GOD can't use me in this way the way he can and will use you as you learn to obey his still small voice calling you to minister to others. So Heather, I will tell you something I do know much about, and that is forgiveness. Forgiveness is impossible when our focus is on us. We must look to him to find forgiveness, even of ourselves. Put your eyes on HIM and see what He will do with your sin, and you will see that it is already washed white. Because your sin, as horrible as it was, will one day be the source of God's provision and mercy and compassion for another human being that God loves if you allow him to work in and through you. God is an expert at taking what the enemy that is Satan means for destruction and turining it into something beautiful. "Beauty for Ashes"
I think that the most difficult challenge for you is going to be to learn to see that GOD is now and always has been in control. GOD does not allow a life to pass from this world, that it does not fit in the grand scheme of HIS will; Satan is the author of sin, but he is on a leash and he does nothing that God does not allow, but it is our short sighted ness that we don't always see God's hand or what HE is doing in the long run.
Could God allow you to choose to have an abortion that is sin, knowing that you would repent and he would forgive and the baby might have been conceived for just that purpose, because God also knew that 30 years down the road was coming another woman who would need to have your witness and need to know God's forigiveness and love and would be getting it from you. I think he could and He would.
I was reading a testimony of a man the other day from death row. He had murdered someone. This surely was sin. Satan is the author of that sin; the murderer could have chosen not to sin, but he didn't; God allowed the victim to die. But now the man who committed the murder is one death row in a prision where he had lived for more than 20 years and he has repented of his sins and been forgiven, and now he sees that this was his calling, God called him to go where most of us would not go and minster to people most of us would not speak to, because there were people in that place that were bound for eternal Hell. There were people there who needed to be saved. And there were people there who were saved by a man who sinned. Even the victim's family had forgiven this man and even befriended him, as they saw his minstry in that prision as a legacy to their daughter who had given her life to the saving of those horrible wretched sinners in prison. THIS IS THE POWER OF GOD.
So Heather, if you have repented of your sins and confessed them to God, forgive yourself; God has forgiven them and the blood of Jesus has washed them, and if you take your eyes off you and put them on HIM, you will be able to see HIM turning your sin white as new fallen snow, because he will use your sin to save someone else. This is what HE does....Life from Death.
quote:
The Bible constantly pictures Christ replacing our filthy rags with garments of white. And, while I know that He was there and took part in the creation of the world, I just can't imagine ever being fully clean from the past that I had. I know that this too is a sin of disbelief, but it is hard to conceive of this.
It is hard to conceive, especially when we try to concieve it out of our human perspective, but we have to learn to see our lives as HE sees them. Every thing the enemy does, and the enemy is the author of sin, the author of lies and the one who has come to kill, steal and destroy. But, everything he does, is an opportunity for God's glory to be known in the world. This is why Satan is a defeated foe. GOD is GOD and for him nothing is impossible. Satan can do nothing through man that God cannot use for God's purpose and Glory.
quote:
I also cannot conceive of why He would care for me. And I think that I am still so very scared that this is one of those dreams that is too good to be true.
I still struggle with this one too. He chose me, oh wretched soul that I am (was)! But I was HIS purpose and HIS creation from the beginning. How could God being God do anything less?
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
This was true of Jeramiah and it is true of us, we are known, sanctified (set apart to God)and ordained for HIS purpose from before the womb.
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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Study
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Member # 3991
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posted
Dear Heather,
I have read the posts in this tread and I just wanted to encourage you to stay with God. He will see you through all you pain.
Your story is a lot like one of the young ladies in my church. The Lord is using her in a mighty way. She now conducts a ministry called Let Go and Let God. She meets every Wednesday to ministry to people such as yourself. It is a close session to discussion any issues that one might have. Through this ministry, along with her testimony she teach people how to let go of their issues and let God take control. She has been through sexual abuse, drug abuse and alcohol among many other things in her life. Many of the people that attend her session have accepted Christ in their lives. We all have gone through struggles with different issues in our lives. My prayer for you is to hang in there and to be able to Let Go and Let God take his rightful place in your life. For Jesus came for the sinners and that we all are. Just know that we here on the board love you and are praying and pulling for you. God did it for her and he can do it for you.
May God bless you and continue to ease your pain.
With Love,
A Sister in Christ
![[hug]](graemlins/hug.gif) ![[Kiss]](graemlins/Kiss.gif)
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Posts: 364 | From: NJ | Registered: Oct 2004
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helpforhomeschoolers
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Member # 15
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posted
Oh Heather, what a wonderful and beautiful testimony. Sister Heather, I have no doubt that God is with you now and has been since the day he knit you in your mother's womb. You have been through so much, but no without purpose, there is a huge reward in the life to come for those who have suffered as you have in this one; but Heather, there is such blessing that I know that God has for you yet in this life.
There are so many people in this life who hurt and are in bondage and God's heart breaks for them and one day he is going to avenge their pain by bringing judgment on the author of all the sin in the world that has caused their pain, but right now, he has left us here to be his body... his arms and his feet and his ears and his mouth. You have so much understanding of what it is to hurt and what it is to need love; of what it is to be a helpless child; of what it is to need parents; of what it is to believe all the lies of paganism and all the things that the enemy wants us to settle for instead of the ONE TRUE GOD that we are destined to love and serve and be loved by.
You, Heather have been given OIL for your lamp to shine his light in a lost, dark and dying world. You really have already begun to do that and you don't even realize it !
Think about those girl scouts that you work with.... they could have a pagan, wiccan, lesbian for a leader, but God has given them you.
Think about your children. There is no higher calling for us as women than to raise Godly children for the Lord. God has chosen you to steward them and bring them up for him. Their preciousness to you is increased by what you have suffered, and also by the choices you made with abortion. You have stopped the cycle of abuse, that likely was in your father's history for more than one generation.
You can't begin to know now the people that God will bring into your life and the issues and hurts and deceptions that they will have, but GOD has brought you through the fire to this day, and that fire hurt, but fire brings the dross.. the impurities to the top and what is left when you skim them off is pure Gold. God has brought you through the fire that you can minister to others who hurt and are in bondage. How great an honor to be chosen of GOD, the Creator of the universe, to be HIS minister to those in pain. But I have no doubt that this is your calling; this is what you have been prepared for. You sister Heather are God's pure and precious Gold, and he is using you and will use you in mighty ways to bring him glory, and the icing on the cake is that you will come to know joy untold as you learn to see these things and to walk in HIS purpose for your life.
Maybe you are just being skimed right now Heather, all those impurities that the fire has brought to the surface are being skimed away that your luster will shine brighter and brighter.
Also: on hurting someone else; Heather your post was from the heart to that person, and I believe that what you said was from God as well. Sometime the things God needs us to hear are things that it hurts to hear. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable to say some of the things that we feel led by God to say. And sometimes because they do hurt people lash out at us for saying them. But it is not really you they lash out at it is the truth that they are lashing out at. We have to learn to pray before we speak; to speak from our hearts with love and right intention, and then we have to rest in HIM.
As long as what comes out of our mouths comes from a right heart that loves, and not because we are focused on us, but that we are focused on God and the other person for whom we feel compassion and love, then we don't have to apologize or feel that we have done something wrong; we just have to trust that we have done what God would have had us do or say and that the rest is up to God.
God Bless you and keep you and your house Heather.
Much love in Christ,
Linda
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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WhiteEagle
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Member # 3728
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posted
Dear Heather
Your testimony is much appreciated. Don't give up, you are already Saved.
Satan is now a roaring lion without teeth, and he's on a lease. ![[clap2]](graemlins/clap2.gif)
Know you have sisters in Christ who share similar struggles. God Bless.
We will be more than conquerers, through Christ, Who loves us, and gave Himself for US.
Posts: 1392 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2004
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wondering04
Community Member
Member # 4113
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posted
Dear Help For Homeschoolers.
I did consciously accept Christ as my savior almost three years ago. It was not a decision that was easily made. I spent about two years talking with my pastor about much of what I did that was sinful, you see, I was sure that somehow I had committed sins that even God could not forgive. I wish I could say that my walk with God was easy after I accepted Christ, but it is still a big challenge for me. And while I can believe in my mind that I am saved, I am still struggling with heart issues.
I am sorry if my post to the other person here was taken wrong by him. I meant it in love. Because I made wrong choices in those regards as well.
For me, the abuse began even before I was born. My father tried to kill my mom for being pregnant with me. He was a brutal drunk and my mom told me of a story of him beating me when I was 6 months old for crying. I remember holding my first son when he was six months and asking myself how anyone could beat a child that innocent and helpless. It was beyond my comprehension.
I did pray to God when I was a child but had scant few opportunites to get to know Him, and He never really helped me to get to know Him either. My parents did not go to church, until after my father's heart attack. But the church he chose was not one that taught the love of God. It was probably the closest thing to the occult you could get.
I too experimented with drugs, and spent most of my life trying to kill myself. Maybe God was in that because I never succeeded. At 17 I came across a group of pagans who gave me something that no one else to that date ever gave me, a dose of love. Their kindness and concern for me pulled me into their ranks. At that time I started fooling around sexually. I knew I wasn't a virgin, thanks to my father, so figured what the heck. This group was bi-sexual, so I too explored areas I am sorry I chose to explore. Pretty much I gave myself over to a wild and pagan sort of lifestyle. In a big way, in retrospect, I realized that it was still sort of linked to my deathwish.
An early marriage, to someone who was the spitting image of my father did not work out. And led to divorce. It took about 18 years before I again took a chance in marriage. And in that space of time I also, to my great shame, had an abortion. I was terribly afraid that until I got stuff sorted out in therapy that I would not be a good mom. I swore I would not have a child until I was certain that I would not do to my child what was done to me. As you know, after the birth of my children I pew sat in Mass at my husband's insistence. But I got very little out of it because I was raging at God and did not want to be there.
It is funny, but the thing that finally led me to Christ was the 10 commandments. I had always rationalized my abortion as necessary, being sold the bill of goods that the child was not yet alive. And I really believed that doing this was for the child's best interest. I was still very messed up. But one day I realized that I had broken every one of the ten Commandments, for I had committed murder, the murder of the abortion I had. I was devistated, and spent hours crying in my pastor's office. He assured me that God could forgive even that,and that my grief proved that I had repented. And it is true that it is not a choice I would ever make today, regardless of the circumstances. Then I realized that I needed a savior, and accepted Christ.
The other part of my healing is still occuring, the forgiveness of those who hurt me. The one that I cannot forgive is myself, for all the foolish actions I did. I realize that my parents laid the foundation work for making the choices I did, but at the same time, I MADE the choices. I know I could have made different ones, but I didn't.
The Bible constantly pictures Christ replacing our filthy rags with garments of white. And, while I know that He was there and took part in the creation of the world, I just can't imagine ever being fully clean from the past that I had. I know that this too is a sin of disbelief, but it is hard to conceive of this.
I also cannot conceive of why He would care for me. And I think that I am still so very scared that this is one of those dreams that is too good to be true.
It is late. I can't sleep, but wanted to share this. I also wanted to say that I am sorry if my comments hurt that person, I never intended that! I just so desperately want others not to make the same mistakes I made in my hurting.
Heather
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WhiteEagle
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Member # 3728
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posted
Singing praises to the Lord is sometimes called "The Sacrifce of Praise".
God is well pleased with our praises when we come to Him.
I know at times singing praises helps me "enter" in to His Presence to pray. It "breaks through" the Darkness. Praise God.
Posts: 1392 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2004
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helpforhomeschoolers
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Member # 15
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posted
Hi Heather: I wanted to answer you question and it has been troubling me all day. How to answer as briefly as possible because my story is too long and too wretched I fear to post.
I was saved at 8. I believed instantly and with complete innocence. I don't know how else to describe it. I did not know about Jesus; I heard, and I heard about my being born in sins and bound for hell and Jesus dying that I could go to heaven and I believed it. I just knew it was true and that knowing followed me my whole life never going away, never doubting for even a moment.
My father was a self proclaimed atheist, my mother believed in God and I thought her to be Christian my whole life, but after her death, I found note that she had written telling the date of her re-birth. She was born again at 79 years old. She died at 80.
I knew nothing of discipleship or giving your life to Christ and I knew nothing about the part of our salvation that begins in this life. Salvation was something that would come when I died. I was going to heaven.
I lived most of my life in sin, sex... just about every kind of sexual sin you can think of I was guilty of, drugs... everything available in the 60's and 70's except heroine, alcohol, pride, self will, driven passion for power and control,idolatry, witchcraft, paganism, I could go on for a long time and not cover it all. Very very very very ugly.
My relationship with God....
From about 8-10, I went to church in an assembly of God church, I learned all the Sunday School Bible stories. I prayed. I talked to HIM. He was my companion when I was lonely and I often was lonely. My father was in prison and my mother severely depressed. I lived with a family friend, and "aunt". She was good to me, but I missed my mom, and I grieved for her.
From 10-13, I did not think much about God, but I confessed my known sins every night and asked forgiveness. I was taught to do this.
From 13-15 I stopped talking to God; I was filled with hate for my dad. I plotted to kill him, but God would not let me. So, I plotted to kill me and God wouldn't let me do that either. I was mad at God.
From 15-18 I lived very lasciviously, but I often would go to the beach and talk to God for hours. I prayed for forgiveness of sins, but honestly I was very deceived about sin. Most of what I did I did not think was sin; I thought I was a pretty good person. Not so, I was a harlot, a druggie, and I drank like a fish, except I drank scotch and I was a power driven ugly person who thought men were here to be manipulated and charmed and to keep me in a lifestyle that I enjoyed. I thought most women were fools.
At 19 my life settled down and I married a man who had been my friend for several years. He too liked to drink and had his problems, but we had fun together. Still I liked men and I was not faithful. At 20, I went back to school learned a trade and eventually went to work in a Christian environment. I loved that. I was at home and I needed the discipline of being around people all day long who were Christians. Near the end of my 21st year, I had my first child and stayed home for a year to raise her. I became Mrs. Mom. We went to church on Sundays, and my daughter was baptized in the the Lutheran Church. I helped out my sister in law with church service. I had completely stopped all sinful behavior of my past at least the obvious things. No drugs, alcohol, infidelity, etc..
from 21-30 God was a bigger and lesser part of my life at differing times. I sometimes walked very close with him and other times far from him. He was always there, but I limited the parts of my life that I let him into.
He was there when I had cancer twice; he was there when I needed someone to protect me from my maniacal husband, he was there when I needed a way to support my girls and prayed for the way to be paved to open a business; he was there when I fell in love with the cutest little house in the suburbs and needed a miracle for a mortgage approval; we had a very give and take relationship. He gave and I took. I gave him grief and he took me in spite of myself.
After my divorce and my bought with cancer, I contacted hepatitis, not the bad kind, but the kind you get from contaminated food. But it damaged my liver and I was very ill; I later was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I eventually began to suffer from Clinical depression. I suffered with Clinical depression for 8 years. I no longer have words to describe how bad it was. I was suicidal. It never left me. I lived under a black cloud that never went away. I had also had skin cancer that was first diagnosed as Melanoma, but later the diagnosis was changed. I was going through a personal crisis that was bigger than any I had ever been through and I was depressed to boot. I was driving home one night, and I had been talking to God as I often did on this 60+ mile drive and I was begging him for relief from the situation. I was begging him to take my life. I knew that I could not commit suicide that this was a grievous sin and miserable as my life was, I knew that I did not have the right to take it, so I was asking HIM to. He told me to sing. I thought, sing what? I don't want to sing! I don't feel like singing. He said SING!!! I said sing what?? He said praises. I said, I cant remember any hymns or anything. He said SING!! I began to sing, Jesus loves me. It was all I could think of, I sang pieces of hymns that I could remember, and I exhausted my memory banks of songs. SING!!! he says. So I sang a made up song... Glory, Glory to God; Glory glory to the Son; Glory; to the Spirit; Glory and I just sang. Before I knew it; I was giggling. The cloud was gone. The black cloud was gone and for the first time in EIGHT years I was free!!! Tears streaming down my face. But tears of joy. Joy that passeth understanding. Joy that was without reason. JOY!!! God and I had a long talk that night and he taught me much about depression; but the thing that he told me that was most important was that he was tired of carrying me and that it was time that I stood on the two feet he had given me and walked this walk. He told me that he wanted all my life not the parts I wanted to give him and that it was not my life in the first place but his bought and paid for with blood. He told me that my children knew who he was, but that the devils did too and that they were headed to the same place and that their blood would be on my hands because I had not raised them for him. He told me a lot of things, and he also rearranged my life that I would spend the next 2 years in his word just about night and day. In that time I came to understand so much and he changed my life and my kids life and my husband's life 180 degrees. That was about 5 years ago now. I have not been depressed since. All 3 of my girls have come to accept Jesus as savior. Our family has changed in so many ways, I cant even begin to say them all. But for me he is LORD of ALL. He is becoming that for my family as well. But not as quickly, I think largely because of time dedicated to scripture. For me I cant stand missing a day in the word. We travel a lot and my Bible goes with. If I have to sit and wait for anything my Bible is open and when I drive it is playing on the cassette player. My prayer life has changed; I talk to him always, my head is never empty or idle, if it is not doing something else it is talking to him and when my mouth is shut and my hands are busy, even doing dishes, I am talking to him. If my kids have a problem or an issue, we look to see what the scriptures say in that regard. HE is become my life. There is nothing I would not hand over to him including children and husband. He is the only thing I cannot live without. He has changed me; he has taken my anger and my controlling nature and my pride and my rebellious spirit and he has given me peace and patience and joy without end. It took him more than 30 years to strip away piece by piece and in some things he is still stripping away. I am a work in progress, but of one thing I am sure... As long as I have breath I will sing his praises and I will give thanks and I will serve HIM.
Heather, there is one thing you need to answer for yourself. Are you born again? Do you know that you know that you know that Jesus is your savior and that he has washed you in the blood and by his spirit made you a new creature in Christ. I say this because we cannot get re-born by osmosis; we cannot be Christians because our parents were or we grew up knowing who Jesus was. Each of us must give our selves to him. Each of us must come to the place where we know that without him we have no life, and so he becomes our life. He does this in his time, he changes us in his time, we become transformed into HIS image, but it starts with knowing that we need a savior and he is the ONE and the ONLY one who can save us. You need to know that for yourself. The rest is a process.... A LIFE LONG PROCESS.
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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wondering04
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Dear Friends,
I am praying that my parents did make it to heaven, but there is still unforgiveness that I am working on. I am hoping I never run into them in heaven.
I do know that there has been some protection because I too did not get STD, did not kill myself, and today things are better for me than before. But there is so much to go.
I have the hardest time forgiving myself. I made terrible choices in my past, and they seemed so reasonable back then. I know I would not do the same things now, but I am still tearing myself apart from them.
How do you feel God's presence. Is it that tangible to you? I know that for me, I sometimes wonder if this is real or not. I know it is not about feeling, but once I would love the sense of His presence. Could it be that He is not that happy about me? I just don't know.
Heather
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WhiteEagle
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To wondering:
Trust is a basic issue. Jesus loved the little children, he wanted them close to him, even when the disciples felt the children should be pulled away.
Jesus says that children always have their own angel. These angels always face God, and are always in God's presence.
Jesus said it would be BETTER for one to have a MIllstone hung around their neck, and be cast into the sea...then for them to hurt one of the little ones, or cause them to stumble.
You were hurt and "caused to stumble" by your father. He took away your ability to TRUST. He has caused you to stumble in your efforts to be close to God.
Jesus also said that one must BECOME as a little child to be able to enter the Kingdom of heaven.
A little child TRUSTS, unconditionally.
Know this... that the Lord can restore your ability to TRUST. In HIM.
God loves little children so much, that Jesus gives the abusers a penalty of Judgement. The only other time in the Bible that a Millstone is cast into the sea is in Revelation just before the judgement and destruction of Babylon.
Their judgement is harsh. Unless they can repent and be saved.
In spite of your hurts and deep pains caused by your parents; you ARE now reaching out to God. He Can and will restore and give back to you the years that the "canker worm" has eaten. This verse is found in Joel.
I can tell you that; because God has blessed me richly, and he has given me back much that I lost.
Not material things, so much, but that is part of it, but in emotional and spiritual blessings. God has to keep His promises, as He cannot lie.
He is utterly trustworthy and He loves you more than words can express.
I can tell you, I'm about the least deserving person, but it's about God and what He can do.
Satan uses "weapons" against us, and child abuse is one of them.
In Isaiah 54:17 " No weapon formed against you shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise up against you in judgement, you shall condemm.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of Me [saith the Lord[/b]."
In Matthew 6:33 "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
These 2 verses gave me a start to trusting God. He is Faithful and True.
God Bless and know you are loved.
Posts: 1392 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2004
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wondering04
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Dear Joanna,
Thanks for sharing. I am so glad your 9 year old trusts and feels safe. My kids feel so safe as well. In fact at times they blow me away when they are angry and say they have a horrid life (you know when asked to do something they don't want or are refused something they want). I almost want to tell them that they don't know what horrid is. But I don't.
I know forgiveness is key. I too went through intense rage against God. I still sometimes have tinges of it. I sometimes come across a Bible passage that is comfortable for them, but it raises hackles. You know passages that state that God knew our lives before we were born (Couldn't he program something better for me?) etc.
Today I saw a Beth Moore movie in our Women's Bible study about John. She pointed out that Christ can come and change your was (past) because he is, was and will be. So he is everywhere at all times. That is an interesting thought, but again it requires trust.
I wish there was some sort of trust pill that we could take, it would make things easier. I keep trying and keep studying, but there is a part of me that is so damaged, I honestly think it is beyond God.
But there is progress, I rage at God, but it is calmer. I imagine God is constantly scratching his head over me, I want Him close and push Him away. I get scared so easy. And I would also feel afraid of losing God by doing something wrong.
As a kid survival often meant going unnoticed, because if your drunken father noticed you he would try to kill you, beat you , or worse. I am afraid to be noticed by God. What if it is a mistake that I made it into the kingdom. Sigh.
Heather
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wondering04
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Dear White Eagle, my heart goes out to you. I think that rejection and emotional abuse hurts even more deeply than physical abuse. I am praying.
Help For Homeschoolers, it is a wonderful rescue you had at the hands of those strangers (angels).
I am still thinking of what you have shared up to now. It is just so hard to think right now. I seem to be battling a depression that is making it tough to do day-to-day, and right now there is a lot of day to day stuff. My girl scout troop is planning a pancake breakfast that is coming up this Saturday, so my co-leader and i have been doing a lot of preliminary stuff to get things ready for Saturday. And that is the least of the running around.
I am wondering how long you have had a relationship with Christ. I am still sort of new to this, and don't have the foundation that some of you seem to have.
I guess for me the biggest miracle is that I came back to Christ at all. I gave up on Him when I was 8, and the little I knew about Him was from an occasional television church service when nothing else good was on TV and my mom was home. So my prayers were probably not accepted by God because of my lack of knowledge of Him.
I avoided all things Christian for years. When my son was born my husband insisted that we go to Mass. I sat in the pews and fumed at God, taking nothing in for 10 years. Finally the thought came to read the Bible through cover to cover. For me to touch a Bible was a traumatic experience. I used to be beaten for reading it outloud wrongly by my father. You know, pausing too long at a comma, too short at a semicolon or mis-pronouncing a word. I used to break out in a cold sweat just touching a Bible.
It took a long, long time to even sort through God stuff. I raged at God, but there is still bitterness and disappointment of my past and what went on.
I am sorry for having to cut this short, but kids are home from school and I have to deal with kid stuff.
Heather
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helpforhomeschoolers
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WOW! I too am sitting here in tears. What a beautiful testimony Sister WhiteEagle. Thank you for sharing it. I am blessed by it, in ways you cannot know. And you too Laurie, you encourage me with your heartfelt prayers for the others here and It is a blessing to hear the encouragement you always have for others. God is so good! God is so good every day.
WhiteEagle, I too look at those things in my own life as miracles, not having gotten some horrid disease, not having had a child out of wedlock, not being addicted to drugs or alcohol even though I tried hard. Some people have tried to tell me that I was not saved back then or I would not have lived such a sinful life; but today I am very aware of his presence in those days even though I did not always care back then. I accepted him as eternal savior long before I ever understood him bein Lord of my life and He was faithful to me even when I wasn't faithful to HIM.
You may think I am a little crazy when I share this story, but it is the truth. I was thinking the other day after a conversation with Laurie, about a time in my teens.
I left home at 15 to escape my dad. I had gone to Miami Beach and was living with a man much older than I. I had gone to a party at one of the hotels on the beach with some of my girlfriends and was stoned and drunk. The girlfriend I had come with had left with a guy. I left the party and had no way to get home. I began to hitchhike. I was so stoned I did not even know how to get home or where I was.
I was picked up by a car with two young men in it, they had thick persian accents and they told me that they lived and worked at the Race Track in Hialeigha. I tried to tell them how to get to the Grove where I lived, but they were not from there and I made no sense to them I am sure. Which is probably a good thing because I am sure the welcome at home would not have been pleasant, but I had no where else to go.
The driver of the car and his friend in the back seat covered me with a blanket and sneaked me into the race track past the security guard station and into their dorm. One of them Hamid, the passenger in the car, gave up his bed for me and honestly, I was disapointed because I thought he was cute, and he never tried to touch me, which I thought was very strange at the time, but I was fast asleep very quickly.
The next morning I was awakened by a security guard asking me what I was doing there, I explained that I had been there with Hamid in whose bed I was sleeping. As I got my bearings and looked down, I realized I was in my clothes and covered with the blanket from the car, but there were no linens on the bed or on the other beds in the room. The security guard told me there was no Hamid there and this dorm building was closed for remodeling; he wanted to know how I had gotten in there, and I told him. I think he might have called the police except that he must have thought I was a complete loon with this story and so he proceded to throw me out of the compound. I thought I had lost my mind. Today, I realize that God had sent angels to keep me safe during the night when I was too stoned to be safe on my own.
I have no doubt that God preserved my life in spite of myself and my father, to get me to this place that I am today, and where ever it is that he will lead me tomorrow. It seems that he has also done that for some of you. He is not a respector of persons. And He is EVER faithful. I love you ladies. You are all such a blessing to me. Thank you for being faithful to hear the sound of his still small voice.
In Christ,
Linda
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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WhiteEagle
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quote:
Originally posted by LaurieFL:
White Eagle - *hugs* to you ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
I think you have made the right decision for now in your situation. Praying for your parents and treating them with respect if they contact you is the right thing to do while God heals you and makes you strong. Always being gentle and respectful with them will be a testimony they cannot deny.
I am sorry you went through all of this as well. It seems that there are so many broken families. I imagine it may have always been so, as there is nothing new under the sun. One sermon not long ago, my pastor said something funny, but profound at the same time. He said we never take a problem to God which surprises Him. He never has to say to us, "Uhh, what? I've never heard of that. Let me get back to you on that one after some research..." God has seen it all and He knows our pain and our needs and He will make lemonade out of the lemons life handed us, if we let Him.
I was praying last night for Heather, and for several other women on various message boards I go to who are in a lot of pain due to various situations, and I just wanted to gather you all up and hug you all at once.
Thanks Lauire, I'm in tears right now from reading your post. God bless. Praise God, that He does love us SO...much. All of your testimonies are a blessing. Linda's and yours and others. God reaches out His hand.
Posts: 1392 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2004
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WhiteEagle
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Heather I too wondered where God was when I was a child.
It seems my prayers were never answered. I just suffered all the time.
I did have a loving grandmother, and perhaps that was God's answer.
My mother got very sick when I was 14 years old. She has been chronically sick since that time. It's been over 30 years. She was only 38 years old when she almost died. My prayers for her healing have gone unanswered all these years, but especially when I was a child, I couldn't understand it.
I asked ministers of the church to pray for her also when I was 14 and through the years.
This is perhaps one reason, I decided to leave the church teachings, when I became 18. There didn't seem to be any help or understanding. I even confided to a youth pastor about my suicidal feelings, and he then wouldn't talk with me, like I was something awful.
I went to others for help, but there was no help.
When I graduated from High School, and left home to have my own place, I decided to be self-destructive, and did everything I could think of to destroy myself.
God didn't allow that to happen though. Somehow, as much as I tried, I never got into a car accident, had a child out of wedlock or even got an STD. That in itself is a miracle. I never even became an alcoholic, and goodness knows I tried hard enough. That is a miracle. I don't know why God spared me. I wasn't doing these things, so much out of rebellion toward my parents, ( I told myself I was) it was for the sole purpose of destroying myself.
Now that I look back I can clearly see, that God was there. He protected me from myself.
Somehow I enjoy very good health even today. I certainly didn't try to have good health. God spared me.
I have been through painful events. I had 2 ectopic pregnancies. I got married after the 1st one. I was told, by doctors, at the age of 21, that the odds of having a child now were less than 25%, since I only had one working ovary and fallopian tube. God proved them wrong, as I later had 2 normal children and normal pregnancies.
I have been divorced twice. I am married for the 3rd time now for 7 years to a Christian man, who helped me finish raising my teenagers.
My second husband almost literally kiled me, due to his gossipping about my private life, that I confided to him, and by his emotional abuse. I lost 30 pounds when married to the 2nd husband, and suffered from anorexia, and started having heart palpitations, and skipped heart beats. I was down to 99lbs. I couldn't eat. I left him to save my life and my children's lives.
I've been in the hospital 2 times for nervous breakdowns, both times after the divorces.
My second husband even tried to take my house, that I had purchased prior to our marriage, he was so intent on punishing me, for leaving him.
He used to say things to people that affected my ability to keep a job, and even buy a car. He sought to control everything I did.
I didn't even realize how abusive this 2nd husband was, until I went into the hospital, and they found out my situation. The councilors there informed me, that the man was abusing me.
After this terrible time, I found out how much the Lord does love me. He used these terible things to bring me closer to Him. Jesus moved the "mountain" for me.
I think it's obvious I went through 2 bad marriages, and left due to my experience with my parents. I was determined within myself to NEVER allow a man to hurt me, like my father has hurt my mother. I knew all marriages are not made in heaven.
As much as I condemmed myself for my failings in this area of marriage, God still understood, my hurt and my heart. He spared me again. He placed me with a church of Christians who loved me, and mothered me, and my children after this terrible second marriage.
I keep remembering the verse that says in Proverbs:
"The wicked fall and never get back up, but the righteous fall, and continue to get back up many times."(paraphrased)
God has certainly brought this to truth in my own life.
Heather, God bless you and know He has been working all these years in your life, and their is Healing in His wings.
Posts: 1392 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2004
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LaurieFL
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White Eagle - *hugs* to you
I think you have made the right decision for now in your situation. Praying for your parents and treating them with respect if they contact you is the right thing to do while God heals you and makes you strong. Always being gentle and respectful with them will be a testimony they cannot deny.
I am sorry you went through all of this as well. It seems that there are so many broken families. I imagine it may have always been so, as there is nothing new under the sun. One sermon not long ago, my pastor said something funny, but profound at the same time. He said we never take a problem to God which surprises Him. He never has to say to us, "Uhh, what? I've never heard of that. Let me get back to you on that one after some research..." God has seen it all and He knows our pain and our needs and He will make lemonade out of the lemons life handed us, if we let Him.
I was praying last night for Heather, and for several other women on various message boards I go to who are in a lot of pain due to various situations, and I just wanted to gather you all up and hug you all at once.
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WhiteEagle
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To all who responded to Heather: Thank you, as It is a blessing to me also, and to know others have come through this "fire" intact.
To Heather,
God has taken me through a journey to heal from the abuse I suffered as a child. I wasn't physcially abused, and my parents didn't drink, but my father has anger issues, and he took his anger out on his family. I grew up fearing to hear his footsteps coming. My father never loved his children and still doesn't. Yes he stayed and raised us, but he never cared for us. He was consumed with his own needs.
At age 13 I begged my mother to leave him, because he said to her one day "take YOUR DAMM KIDS and leave." He didn't even acknowledge us as his children. Unfortunately I am his biological child as are my brother and sisters. It wasn't like my mother had other men, (I wish she did had though,as she might have had the strength to leave him).
When I was growing up he never participating in getting gifts for his children. Instead he was obsessed with buying his own "toys". He bought snow mobiles for His use, he took flying lessons, and bought himself a plane. He "promised" to remodel the house, because he liked to think of himself as a carpenter. He gutted the whole inside of the house and ruined it, and then my mother went without a finished house for over 30 years to this day. He spent loads of money on a huge train set, he spent moneny on Ham radio equipment, he has spent money on a huge Winnebago, that was nicer than their house, that he really couldn't afford. He had thousands of dollars in woodworking equipment and computors to the ceiling.
He's a crazy person, and he ruined my mother's health and crushed her spirit.
I forgave him about 10 years ago. Now I'm still fighting to live, because his abuse hasn't really ever stopped. I see what he has done to my mother, and while I blame her for not leaving him when she could have, I also realize he had complete control over her.
I'm at the point now, that I can't even go to visit my parents, as it's so painful, it causes me to feel suicidal again, like when I was a teenager.
I also know what he did to me, has prevented me from reaching my potential. I have suffered from depression, social anxiety, and feelings of rejection all my life. He never physcially sexually abused me, that I remember, but he did commit mental incest, and emotional incest to me and my sisters. He would do things like "burst" into the bathroom when we were taking a bath, etc.
He would leer at us, and try to kiss us on the lips, and he still trys to kiss us on the lips today.
Now he has cancer, and he wants one of his (now we're his) children to give up their own life and own home to care for him, and coddle him.
My mother has mild dementia, and severe heart problems, and should be in a nursing home ( she wouldn't consider living with one of her daughters while my father is alive) They want one of us to live there with them. We all have our own children and husbands and own homes and jobs.
My father never sought home care for her until He got cancer. Even now he still works 3 days a week and leaves my mother there alone. She has fallen more times than I can count.
He's still a selfish creep, and I can't stand him.
I know I can't care for them myself, as it would literally kill me. The past 2 years I have done a lot to help them both, and ended up getting so burned out from my job, and I starting transfering the stress from my parents onto my job. It was like being a child all over again.
I have been out of work for several weeks this year. My mother refuses to leave him, and she also has become emotionally abusive.
I decided to cut off all contact with them both. My sister supports me in this, and is "secretly" glad I recently told my father off.
I'm at the point I can't "pretend" any more that my father is a "nice" guy. I think I held onto the that erroneous belief to please my mother all these years. Both of them live in bondage and unreality.
That is the situation. Thankfully God is taking me to be healed and I know I will be able to forgive again for good. God has given me a wonderful loving husband, placed me in a church body that is edifying and loving. It's hard to describe what God is doing for me, as it very personal, but It is wonderful in my eyes.
I know God can be my potential now, and in Christ I am complete. I have seen God minister to me where I am, as He knew I would have been afraid.
I have prayed for my parents' salvation for years, and still do, but that's all I can pray. I am leaving them to God's will. It's not up to me to save them. I can't witness to them any more, as it was like casting my "pearls before the swine" they only would tear at me, and continually negate me as a person.
I ache to see them live as they live. God has blessed me so much, and my own life is God's making. Perhaps God will make me strong enough to be able to deal with them again, I don't know, but for now I will be at peace, and allow God to heal.
God has shown me, that my parents are responsible for their own decisions, and It has nothing to do with me. They knew about the gospel when they were young parents and could have made the choice to follow the Lord, but they did not.
They have allowed their fear of others to make them into what they are today. I praise God, I do not have to follow their footsteps, as the Curse of the generations is Broken in me, through the Cross of Christ. Amen.
Posts: 1392 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2004
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helpforhomeschoolers
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Heather: I am so sorry that you hurt so bad. I am sorry that you went through so much. I know how big the issues of trust and control are because they consumed every part of my being for so long. Please accept my apology if I seemed hard on you. Because I know the freedom that lies just on the other side of the pain, anger, and hurt, I am sometimes too passionate for the moment. It is hard to know someone hurts so bad and that there is and end without wanting them to see it. Sometimes I could jump up and down and dance around shouting "be free, there is freedom!!" Silly I know, but it is true. My heart breaks for the hurting and I get so angry at what Satan has done. Sometimes I wonder how God bears it. Sometimes I dont know how he contains himself from just blowing his breath and obliterating all the people in this world that do evil. If we can hurt for each other, what must he feel; how much must he long to avenge. But everytime I think like that I know that it is because he knows that there are still sheep out there that need to be carried home and I was once one of those sheep.
While patience is something God has been working on in me for years, Know that God is so patient with us; He does not give up on us, even when we give up on him. He was patient with me for 30 years. He carried me through drugs and sexual promescuity and an abusive marriage,suicide attempts, but more than all that he carried me through being myself. I was very ugly, controling, driven, mean spirited, and so much more. I learned it was easier to play offence than defense if you know what I mean. He waited on me and gave me time and reveled himself to me one step at a time and worked so much out of me one step at a time, and he is still working stuff out of me.
He will do the same for you. He does love you. He will keep drawing you to him. You can run away, he will let you go for a while and then he will come after you, because he loves you and he will not leave you out there to fend for yourself. I know you can't see that right now. I know it feels like he did leave you out there, but He was there. I know he was there. I know that is why you are here. He will teach you how to trust him. You will learn to turn your life over to him one piece at a time and that is ok, each piece brings more and more freedom and you will grow stronger and stronger. He is patient. Know that there are several of us here who have been through abuse in one form or another. When I look at what mighty women of God some of them are, I realize how much Satan tries to destroy us and why. But God prevails and so do we. I think I can safely say that we are all so very glad that you stepped into our little corner of cyberspace and I hope you will be here for as long as you like and that you will find encouragement and love here. I am very sure that you too have something to share with us that will also be a blessing. God is so wonderful in that way. His economy is one where we are blessed in blessing others. I have found loyal and faithful people to pray with, good friends who really care, and lots of encouragement in the day to day walk that we are all walking one step at a time. I am sure you will find the same. I will warn you that sometimes the theological discussions are heated, but in most cases in the end HIS love prevails in those discussions as well. Most people here have a true heart for God and you will see HIM in them if you look. God Bless you and keep you Heather, may he help you to find comfort and peace.
In Christ,
Linda
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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wondering04
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posted
Dear friends, I am so touched by how kindly you have responded to my need. I have sought from others these answers and never have I received answers that help until now. I have to tell you that some of what you say is easy to agree with. Other stuff is a bit harder to swallow. I do know that my only hope is in Christ, and if that fails there is nothing else.
Helpfor Homeschoolers, trust and control are real issues for me. Letting God have control is not something that I can do. I try, but end up taking back the control. As a child control was how I survived. I had to control facial expressions, what words I said, how I responded, how many tears I cried, and how to hide what horrors I experienced so no one could detect them. This was not a topic discussed when I was a kid. And now the memories are emerging with a vengence. And I am surprised by these new memories, as I thought i had worked out so much in the years of therapy I had received. I sometimes wonder if the battle will ever end, or if I should just quit fighting.
Unfortunately my mom was part of the problem, and only served to make the situation worse for me. She too was an alcoholic, and she knew everything that was going on. She kept notebooks, and every morning without fail she asked me what he did and wrote the facts in the notebooks. She never missed one of his nightly visits. And then she would call her friends to solicit sympathy for herself for what he was doing to me. I had no help from her quarter at all.
I do read the word and study about God, and do try not to just focus on the hurts that are there right now. (and they are not always this prominent). But it is not something that I am consistent at. And when you are suspicious of God, it is hard to rely on Him.
I am hoping one day to see just where God was in this. I still have a hard time rationalizing why God, who supposedly loves children, does not intervene when he could. I get to help out in the schools and often I see hurting children, who need kind words. There is way too much pain and hurt in this world. Makes me wonder why God is biding his time and not acting. I couldn't sit quiet and not respond.
One of you mentioned satan being the author of what went on. My father also made a choice to act the way he did, and I haven't shared all that he did. I was abused, but I do not abuse my children. They know that they are loved, and they are even free to act out and rebel without fearing for their lives (they do face the consequences of their behavior in groundings and lectures).
I know that God had to give free will, but free will is VERY expensive for the victim. God did not give me the free will to choose not to be abused. Sometimes it seems that free will only works for the hurters.
I am sorry that I am struggling so with these things you are sharing. I am really not trying to argue. I just am hurting right now and need somehow to find a bit of peace in this.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. They really do help.
Heather
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2004
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becauseHElives
Advanced Member
Member # 87
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posted
Heather, as Linda said God has not, did not, will not never fail you! (I know that is a double negative, I used it on purpose)but He can't fail.
We live in a fallen world, Satan is the enemy of God, but even more the enemy of mankind.
Satan seeks whom he may devour day and night.
Heather, Seek Yahweh (God) with your whole heart, this is something very few ever learn to do. Most people seek Yahweh half heartedly. Still clinging to this world with one hand and the other hand clinging at Yahweh.
Yahweh is a good God, everything He does is for the best for His Children. Even the bad that is allowed is for their good. Working out Yehweh's eternal purposes in the lives that love Him.
meditate on Psalms 51, really let it sink in.
Yahweh loves you more than you can ever dream.
Salvation in Jesus is total trust, faith in the fact Yahweh is a good God, seeking only the best for His children.
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Strive to enter in at the strait gate:for many, I say unto you will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. ( Luke 13:24 )
Posts: 4578 | From: Southeast Texas | Registered: Jun 2002
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helpforhomeschoolers
Advanced Member
Member # 15
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posted
Hi Heather:
I would caution you trying to put a positive spin on what happened to you; it does not come down to an attitude of telling yourself that something isn't as bad as it was and looking for a silver lining.
Those things are things that you devise to hide your pain and not deal with it but cover it up. They result in prolonged pain and emptyness and a whole host of behaviors that do't help, but make the situation worse.
You have to realize that you are just as inadequate at those things as you were to stop the abuse yourself.
Heather you cant change what happened to you. Nothing is ever going to change what happened to you. But you can change how it continues to affect you today. Not by your own power, not by trying to create in yourself some attitude that you dont have and would have to be something less than human to have, but by realizing that you cant do it at all and that is why you need a savior.
The salvation that Jesus gives is not just some place that comes with death where the streets are paved with Gold. Salvation begins here in this life. Your eternity begins now. Walking in the Rest of Christ is something we can live in today. But we have to do something that is so hard in order to receive it. Probably most hard for those of us who were abused. It means coming to realize that we do trust someone and that one is ourselves, and we are destined to fail because our trust is in someone less than equiped to fix us. We must trust HIM because there is no one else we can trust, including ourselves. All else is a prescription for failurre because only HE is sufficient.
People who are abused learn not to trust anyone well almost anyone. We learn to trust ourselves. That is why we say things like "I have not been able to forgive myself for foolish reactions".
Somehow in the mind of a child who is abused and trusts no one they come to place trust in self, and they blame themselves in part for their abuse. If I done this or that, if I had been better behaved, if I had been more lovable, if I had been smarter, if I had said this or that, and on and on. The truth is nothing you could have done would have changed things. It is not your fault you were abused. And it is not your fault now that you can't heal yourself or get the right attitude to cover it up. Stop trying. Trust HIM. Realize that the trust you have placed in you has not worked. You need HIM.
The picture you paint of a God that was not there is a good example of our own in inadequacy (sp sorry). You have to know that you painted that picture and it does not reflect the full view of things. Just because God's intervention did not look like you thought it should look does not mean he was not there.
You see that your mother did not protect you. That is because you have a picture of what that protection should have looked like and she fell short. But do you know what she did? do you know the conversations she had with your father when no one was around? Do you know the abuse she might have taken that you were spared? Do you know the prayers that she might have offered up in the middle of the night when no one else was around? I don't pretend to know these things about your life situation either, but I do know that we are incapable of seeing the picture down here that God sees up there.
Just because God's presence doesn't look like we think it should, just because his intervention doesn't look like we think it should does not mean he was not there. It just means that we paint pictures and call it reality while seeing only a small part of a much larger scene.
When I was being abused by my dad, I was oblivious to the work God was trying to do in him or did do in him. I do not know what things my father might have been capable of our might have entertained in his mind, but never did because of God's intervention that I might not have been able to see.
I didn't know the torment of his soul that led him to hurt me; I didn't know that God was trying to reach him. My wounds would heal, but my dad was headed for hell....eternal damnation.
I did not know that the mother that I hated for not protecting me even more than I hated my dad for abusing me, was someone God was trying to use to reach my dad.
I didn't know that she was probably the closest thing that my dad would ever know to unconditional love; and likely his only hope of ever seeing God.
I didn't know that the size of her picture as she weighed leaving against staying was much larger and went much farther down the road of all our lives than I could have ever dreamed of.
I didn't know that the time a neigbor's car broke down in the middle of the night and they came to our door for help, what had really happened was that God had sent an angel and spared me a night of abuse by distracting my dad.
I didn't know that the nights that my dad did not come home, were really an answer to my mother's prayers that he would not come home drunk and beat the **** our of us.
I didn't know that my mother's decisions to stay and not take me an leave him would one day 20 years later be important, as my dad lay dying in a hospitial bed unable to talk and needing to hear my forgiveness and would need to say to me he was sorry before he could pass on.
I did not know at 8 that God would need me to be there in that hospital to force my mother to let him go and not keep him on machines.
But God knew all these things and more that I will probably never know.
None of this made my abuse alright.There is no justification for what happened to me. None of this changes my scars; But, sometimes we just need a picture of what God sees to realize how limited our scope of vision is and likewise how limited our vision of HIM is.
Did God intervine in your suicide attempt? yes. there is no doubt. The scripture tells us that God Alone ordains the passing of life from this planet. He alone determines the appointed time of our death.
quote:
I am afraid to test God because if God fails me again, then I have no place else to go. This is a last ditch chance. So do I try to reach out to God, or do I play it safe and pretend that He will be there for me? It is a tough choice. My back is against the wall, and there is no where else to go.
God did not fail you then. You are just hurting to bad right now to see the ways that he did provide. My experience tells me that in that situation, you have to take your eyes of you and look at HIM. You will not see HIM if you focus on you. You will never see HIS vision of the situation that was your childhood if you focus on your wounds from your vantage point here. You have to go up where he is and look down. You can do this through prayer and he will help you see a bigger picture if you let him. He does not promise us a life without pain. He promises us grace sufficient to take us through the pain to the other side where the view is different. He promises us he will not move; and we will know that if we keep our eyes on HIM. The enemy however is in the business of having us look at us, so that we are not looking at God and we then start to believe the lie that God is not there.
You don't have to pretend God is there he is there; you just have to determine not to let the enemy distract your line of vision.
God will not fail you because God cannot fail, He is God. Your trust in you is what will fail you because you are not God and you can and will fail.
You are right, your back is against the wall; in reality there is only trust in you and the things that you can devise...and trust in God.
You don't lack sufficient faith...you have placed your faith in the wrong place. When ever your trust is not in God, it is somewhere... it is in you.
You have to see how the enmy lies to us. You have to see that the enemy keeps us looking at ourselves that we think God is not there; then the enemy keeps us busy trying to fix things ourselves, or control things ourselves that we never see our own shortcomings. If we can see the insufficiency of ourselves...then we can see the sufficiency of God if we look not at us but at him. Once we see that, then there is no other choice but God and once we realize that, nothing less than God will ever do again.
Heather, the number one rule of any battle is know your enemy. You need to know that your father was not your enemy. He was a pawn in a chess game, an infantry man on the front line in Satan's battle with God. Satan used him. Satan is still using him even though he is dead and gone from this earth, Satan is still using him to keep you in bondage. You were a victim of war. Your enemy has not changed even though the battlefield has.
Know your enemy Heather, and it is not God. God will be your banner going before you in this battle, and he will be your armor against all the enemies tricks and wiles, but you have to stop trying to fight the battle yourself.
It is not your battle, it never was Satan has lied to you about that. God has a banner to replace that one your wearing, it says VICTORIOUS through Christ who strengthens me.
Take off the banner Satan issued you Heather and put on God's banner. This battle is not yours and it never was; let God fight it for you.
I will be praying for you sister Heather. Remember that what is impossible with man is possible with God. Satan through his use of man made us victims; though we tried with all our might we could not change that; but God...with God all things are possible and with God we can pull off that banner that Satan issued us and put on the one God issued us and it says Victorious. God has given you salvation in the life to come. You trust him with that, learn to trust him with this life; his blood and his stripes bought you freedom from bondage to the wiles of Satan in THIS life, not just in the one to come. Your Salvation begins here now, in this life.
Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
Give God your ashes Heather.
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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LaurieFL
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Member # 3794
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posted
Heather,
I wish I could answer your questions and help you feel better. I personally believe many times that the people who are called by God to have greater missions in life (i.e. to serve Him by helping others somehow) often experience much suffering before their calling. When this suffering comes at the hands of others, I believe God cries as we do. He does not want to see an innocent child suffer. Can you imagine how He feels with all the small children who suffer in wars and famine?
I experienced great hurt as a child, perhaps not to the same extent as you, but there was crippling emotional abuse, separation from my beloved father, sexual misuse and abuse by an uncle. I have experienced great hurt as an adult as well. I have seen though how God has used all of these things to help mold me into the person I am today, and that He has a purpose for that person.
I am still working on getting over some of the past things that happened to me. The post Favorminded made helped me quite a bit actually, as I work to resolve issues with my abusive stepmother. If I do not forgive her, I place myself above God, who has forgiven me. who am I to do such a thing?! Thus, I am now making this the utmost priority - to learn to forgive her although she is unrepentant.
God is waiting for you to turn to Him, and He will heal your hurt and give you grace and strength and peace. I promise He was there when you were a child, and as Linda said - He probably kept it from being even worse than it could have been. He also cried for you and wept over your situation. He will deal with the people who did this to you, on His timetable. But He was always there, loving you.
Read the book of Psalms when you get a chance. David suffered much. He was hunted by his beloved king, whom he had never done anything to but love and serve. His people were persecuted. He committed a heinous sin and paid a high price for it as well. Through all of this, He praised God always, but he also cried out to God many times in anger and sadness and frustration. I believe you will find that book to be uplifting if you read it.
I feel at such a loss for words. I want you to know that God can get you through this, and in fact that you can emerge from it victorious. We are promised in the bible that through Christ we can be more than conquerors!!
Posts: 700 | Registered: Aug 2004
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wondering04
Community Member
Member # 4113
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posted
Dear Hope for Homeschoolers & Favor Minded. Both your posts give me much to think about. I plan to print them out and read them over much. My situation is similar to yours Hope, and yes, I do use what happened to me to help others. But I am not sure I can put the kind of positive spin on it you have. I think there is still too much internal damage.
Much as I want a closeness to God. I would run scared at what people call abba Father. Not sure I can deal with a Father God.
You are right though, liberation came with forgiveness, and came when I realized that I also sinned and needed forgiveness. I don't begrudge God forgiving my parents if they asked for it, but we never got to reconcile because they died before I came to a point of even wanting contact. I don't forgive myself for my foolish reactions and I don't entirely trust God because He did not intervene.
I guess it comes down to attitude, of telling yourself something isn't as bad as it was, and trying to find a silver lining when there doesn't seem to be one. I can't do that at this time.
I know that in reality, if God did nothing else, the salvation he gave to me is an awesome gift. So I do not want to sound ungrateful. Perhaps salvation is all we dare believe in from God. I guess the child part of me wishes that somehow God had intervened a bit when I was a child. If he was impotent to stop my father from hurting me, my mother from not protecting me and my sister from her abuse from me (or worse chose not to), could he not at least have let me feel his loving presence, or something.
I gave up on God when I was 8. If God had let me know of his Presence, than so much else would have been different. Maybe I would have stayed believing in Him instead of turning my back on Him. Maybe I would not have rebelled in the ways that I did, ways that hurt both myself and I am sure others. Maybe I would have had a sense that life is worth living, and maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time contemplating death instead of life.
I am alive now, maybe you can say God intervened in that. I did get the help I needed, but that was after an unsuccessful suicide attempt, so did God intervene, or did life just provide? Maybe I have a wrong idea of God intervention. I just don't know.
I do know that I long for God, but at the same time run from Him. How I want to trust Him but fear taking that step. Honestly I tried many alternative religions, and none filled what was needed. I am afraid to test God because if God fails me again, then I have no place else to go. This is a last ditch chance. So do I try to reach out to God, or do I play it safe and pretend that He will be there for me? It is a tough choice. My back is against the wall, and there is no where else to go.
Heather
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2004
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helpforhomeschoolers
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Member # 15
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posted
Hi Heather:
I too was an abused child. I was sexually molested by my biological father. He was an alcoholic and was mean when he drank. He was physically and mentally abusive as well.
By God's grace, I survived my childhood and did not die. By God's grace, I forgave my Dad and even came to find love and not hate for him.
But by God's grace, I also learned something about God and life in the process.
Life here is ugly. Sin abounds and people like our abusers are slaves to it. The enemy Satan uses them to try and destroy what is precious to God. We think... God is all powerful (and HE IS)and so we wonder why doesn't he just stop it! We can look at the apostles and martyrs who all suffered unspeakable torture in this life at the hands of the enemy of God, Polycarp was burned alive! Somehow we can understand that because they are adults and they had a choice, but we, we were innocent children. We had no choice, no control.
But what we fail to see is that God's ways are not our ways. Yes, God could have stopped it. But he didn't. Why? Because God had a bigger plan than just sparing us physical and emotional pain. God was there, Heather, it was God that kept the enemy from destroying you. It was God that got you here to this place in time where you are no longer abused. But God is not done. God still has a bigger plan. A plan that you could not have partnered with him in without all that you have gained having lived through abuse. God brought you through an ugly and painful time of life and brought you to this place and will bring you to the next place that you will be a blessing to someone else and bring glory to him. God uses all the things that the enemy means for our destruction, God uses these things to bring blessing to others and Glory to God and in doing that we are also blessed. God will take all the pain and all the scars and all the hurt that you have suffered and turn them into something glorious. He gives beauty for ashes. You need to give him your ashes Heather.
Let me share with you some of the things that God has blessed me with that I would not have if I had not lived through abuse.
As I learned to forgive my Dad, I learned about God. My dad did not deserve forgiveness. He was hideous and vulgar and his sin unspeakable. But GOD gave me grace to forgive him. And with it I learned how much God loves us, because my dad was no more hideous than any sinner that God forgives. All sin, no matter how small is abominable to God, because God is so HOLY, but God comes to us with love and forgiveness while we are undeserving hideous grotesque sinners and he loves us. The depth with which I know that is only possible because of what God took me through with my dad. My faith is huge because of that.
I also learned something about God's love through my having lived through abuse. After I forgave my dad, I learned to love him and in coming to love the unlovable, I came to understand how much God loves us. Like my dad, we are unlovable by man's definitions of love. See man loves based on what we do. But God loves in spite of what we do. God is love and his love is not limited or restrained by our actions. His love is without condition. He loved us while we were unlovable so much that he gave his own son for us. Because he loves us he chastens us and comes after us when we rebell, he never leaves us or gives up on us, not because we are lovable, but because he is love.
There is no greater blessing in this life than learning to love another human being without regard to what they do or do not do. It is a freeing thing. I learned to love to really love because God took me through abuse and brought me to a place where I could see my abuser the way God saw him....as someone God loved so much that Jesus died for him.
Having been abused, and having been brought through it by the Grace of Almighty God, I learned freedom from bondage to sin and to offence that the enmy uses to control us. I learned that the enemy can bring a lot of things to our doorsteps, but through Christ we have the power to determine whether or not Satan brings that garbage inside our houses.
Here is what I mean.... Being a victim of abuse comes with a lot of baggage, just the word "victim" has baggage, but also there are other things, trust issues, security issues, control issues, esteem issues, missunderstanding what love is, and on and on. These things are things that the enemy Satan uses to keep us in bondage long after we grow up and the abuse stops; sometimes he even uses them to cause us to marry and abuser or seek out friends that are co-dependent and in that way he keeps us in abuse.
But I learned first to get rid of the label victim. I learned that God does not see me as a victim, he sees me as victorious through Christ.
Once I learned this, I learned to see the scars of my abuse, not as something to remind me of my abuse, but to remind me of what God has done and is doing and will do with my life.
This brought more freedom, this allowed me to see my abuse not as something to hate God for, but something to thank God for.
Because you see God chose my parents; God who knows all and sees the end from the beginning knew that the enemy Satan was going to use my Dad to commit horrible sins against me... but God also knew what HE was going to do. GOD knew that the me that I am today was going to be a person that would love more deeply, forgive more completely, trust more totally, have faith more abundantly, experience life more passionately and compassionately than if I had not lived through abuse. GOD knew that there would be people in my life that needed to know what I had learned, people that needed to be loved unconditionally, people that needed be forgiven when they did unforgivble things, people that were also in bondage to their victim status and needed freedom, children that would need to know that esteem must come from Christ and not self, people that would need to talk about their own abuse and not be judged, people that would need encouragement, people that would need to all these things that I could have been prepared to give in no other way except that I had by HIS grace survived abuse.
And so I am thankful, because in offering all these things God has blessed me so richly that sometimes I cannot contain the joy and he amazement and the awe that he has chosen me to be his child and his light in this world. To whom much is given much is required. I was required to live through abuse as a child. But the pain of that is so far from me today, so washed in his love and so understated by the height and boundless depth and breadth of the joy and the blessing that I have received doing what he purposed me in my mother's womb to do and that is to be his minster of light and love and freedom in a dark and dying world that is in bondage.
Heather, he purposed you to do and to be this same thing; what you see as abuse, God sees as preparation for glorious things that he will use you to bring into the lives of others if you let him. And in return, the blessings that you will receive are so great that I do not have words to express them. This is the power of God.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
ALL things Heather, even abuse.
Posts: 4684 | From: Southern Black Hills of South Dakota | Registered: Jun 2002
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wondering04
Community Member
Member # 4113
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posted
Dear Favor Minded. Thank you for sharing this posting with me. There is so much that I relate to in this article. I am still wrestling with God. I guess the good news is that we are still wrestling. There is still bitterness over my past, but I ahve been working at forgiveness.
I just get puzzled that a God who can stop time, bring the dead to life, throw hailstones with great accuracy, refuses to help protect a child. I just don't get it. God protects some, but not all. I know that this is a process. But it is so difficult.
It is so true that how our parents treat us is how we view God. I am scared of drawing attention to myself from God. Best to hide.
I am still so scared of God.
This article does give me a lot to think on. Thanks so much.
Heather
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Favor Minded
unregistered
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posted
Here is an article that was posted to a message board, written by someone who has wrestled with receiving God's love.
She writes: "I hope it helps folks - save it to read when you are ready to hear it."
...Thanks so much for your very honest and heartbreaking response. I know your pain behind those words. They almost made me cry once again over the extreme wickedness of people, that makes trusting God next to impossible instead of natural. Good parents should make the transfer very natural to see a good God as shown in the Bible. Abuse destroys every connector there is to God (or so the enemy thinks). I already tried to end my life at 14. Two days later, I accepted Jesus into my heart (one protector alter did at the same time). That was a real conversion - for eternity but also with a desire to love Him. The next time my grandfather went to touch me, I blurted out, "Jesus lives in my heart now. You can't do this anymore!" (my alter speaking). (I thought until then he was such a powerful man - but the truth is, it only took one "no" from a child to make him stop. He never did stop with my sisters until they married.)
But I still pictured God (like my grandfather and father) sitting in heaven with a shotgun, just waiting for me to mess up so He could shoot me for the sheer fun of it! I learned from my father's role-modeling that God was also angry, distant, quick to punish, and never forgiving. Can you see how my experiences colored my perceptions of the Truth about Him? God didn't do anything to me to ruin my concept of Who He is - wicked people did!
In heavy abuse under the full moon, I would cry out to the watchful mood, wondering if God or the moon could see me, cared, could rescue me, etc. It didn't seem so, because He didn't part the heavens and intervene.
God, to me. was always "way out there" even after I accepted Christ into my heart. I'd cry out to the skies trying to figure out if He heard or saw me. It was a long journey to where I am today. But Truth (laid out in Scripture) has never changed.
Sexual abuse and incest is strictly forbidden as early as Genesis. This is not a new, surprising subject for God. It's really been a battle waged on innocent children by the enemy to hurt the deepest, most vulnerable part of God's heart - childlike responsiveness and trust in His love - since the beginning of time. God imposed death penalties on entire families where sexual abuse and incest occurred. He never turned a blind eye. It's always been strictly against His laws. And in Matthew 10 and 18, He says it would be better for a millstone to be around someone's neck and thrown into the sea for one who makes it harder on one of these children seeking to love and trust Him.
It was through a series of events that I grew but it was a growth in head knowledge - I'm a Bible School graduate and spent 3 years in Eastern Europe as a smuggler to the Eastern Church and had a sexual relationship there with a Yugoslav man. My spiritual authority in that mission board said, "It is the worst thing that's ever happened in the history of the mission. I was finished in ministry, finished in Europe, finished with them." They even tricked me into going home on vacation - only to send me a letter saying I was fired and my supporters were notified of my "sin" (which I confessed to them before they even knew). My personal belongings are still in Europe - over twenty years ago. It brought me to my knees, literally.
I finally learned that Jesus not only wanted to save me from hell, and give me eternal life. He wanted to be my Lord. When that sunk in, I could relate that to my dad - my father was the boss! I now understood that when my will collided with Jesus' will, mine would yield to His because He was the Boss. By virtue of His position, I would yield. That started some radical changes in my heart.
When I personally crashed after my brother's death (in the '94 plane crash in Pittsburgh), God had already begun some healing in my heart. Miraculously, He made me feel alive for the first time ever in a healing service in 1993. After the plane crash, I could no longer function. I began to work on abuse issues. In doing so, not only did I have to face the question, "Where the hell were You, God? Why didn't You rescue me?" but I had to face the pure wickedness of people and the depths they will go with the enemy's power to hurt God, themselves and steal innocence that was stolen from them so long ago. The innocence they see in other children reminds them of their own lost innocence so they set out to destroy it. My therapist held to God's Word being the plumb-line of Truth by which to mold my life. At the same time, he gave me the time and space I needed to deal with honest emotions resulting from abuse and let me see the distortions of God and His Word that I learned through those experiences.
God's generational curses (giving each generation time and choices to break the wicked cycles) only last to the third and fourth generation if someone will renounce the sins. But his mercies and grace extend 1000 generations to those who love Him and do break the power of the sin and resulting curses.
As I worked on reconciling my experiences with the "seeming" contradictions in God's Word, it caused deep raging, honesty and emotional intensity. He is big enough to take our onslaught. Eventually, when we are spent in each round, He somehow touches our souls with love, not shame, disgust and guilt that we expect. Instead, He's the only One who can wash us clean, inside and out. I am the first to be breaking this generational sin in my family.
All the abuse I've known has been in the guise of Christianity. Not a single "unsaved" person has hurt me. So, believe me I know your pain and confusion. My grandfather professed Christianity all his life - and would take us with them to church in the morning and out in the woods in the afternoon. All the ritual stuff mocked Christianity and Jesus. Three days before my grandfather died at the age of 94, he boasted of having over 150 girls and was proud of every one of them! Then, I got word of his deathbed conversion! I was livid!!! I raged at God. Not only did I have to endure his abuse, now I would have to spend all eternity with him.
God gave me an instant reframe: "If My blood is not sufficient for his sin, it is not sufficient for yours." I was silenced immediately. What He spoke went through to the depths of my soul. Then, when I was quieter and more yielded, He gave me this reframe: Not only will you have all eternity to know your grandfather for the first time (in purity, not wickedness), but another one has been snatched from the clutches of hell. He was the only grandfather I had. A pure relationship awaits me for all eternity with a grandfather I have never known.
An evil relationship that shaped me ultimately set me on this path to pursue God at any cost until I could "feel" His Presence within me, instead of sensing His Presence out in the skies somewhere. "What was meant for evil God has turned into good." (You are witnessing just a small part of that good now.)
As I continue to wrestle with God over these things in our own little boxing ring, I find out His Truth doesn't bend to my wishes. I become gut honest with Him, and He changes my heart with unconditional, pure love, acceptance, and forgiveness. I have been forgiven absolutely everything I have ever done and will ever do. So how can I refuse to forgive someone else? These are not easy things to grasp when our souls scream for justice. But if justice is what I want for my grandfather, justice also becomes MY reward. I'd rather live under God's mercy and grace than His justice. God promises His own rewards and justice in Heaven. Vengeance is His, never mine. How that works out, I leave up to Him.
This is not an easy subject. But God didn't do this to me - ultimately my grandfather, greatly empowered by the enemy - sought to destroy my innocent soul and shatter it so there would be no connectors left to reach out to God. The amazing thing is, God gets a hold of a part of our heart anyhow. Then, when it is safe enough and we are old enough to understand what happened to us, He then patiently lets us kick, scream and fight against Him until we finally fall at His feet, spent, helpless and hoping that His love and arms are big enough for us, too. And He always leaves the 99 to find that one lost person - be it me or an alter, or you, or one of your alters. He's not come for the healthy but for the sick.
And God ultimately triumphs as we (thought forever spoiled by the enemy) become trophies of His love, mercy and grace and redemption - and become childlike, mature warriors against the very one who tried to steal our soul - the enemy of God.
My role model was Corrie ten Boom from the time I was 14 years old. If she could endure the atrocities of the Holocaust, not even being a Jew, and come out with a message of love and forgiveness, then so could I. Seeing it come into fruition has been the process of the last ten years as I have honestly raged and screamed and cried out to God, asking Him to make me hungry to know the Truth (which sets me free) from the lies (which bind me to the abuse and never lets me go).
This is THE most critical question we ultimately face in our recovery and restoration: "God, where were You? Where are You now?"
If we won't wrestle at some point here, we will never truly find the rest, freedom and abundant life He called us to find in becoming childlike again. Knowing His true nature and heart for us and finding our identity in who He says we are, not the value statements we picked up from our abuses, is true liberty. In that security, I can risk trusting, loving and being loved. My foundation is that whatever happens, I can now run to Him as the Biggest, Most Wonderful Daddy and Father there is. And if someone is hurting me, I run TO Him, not away from Him. In the process, He will break down the walls dividing me from His love and nature. I build a history of trust with God, one step at a time, just as you are doing with your therapists. He was faithful last time, maybe He will be faithful this time - so I will continue to risk with Him.
The hardest thing about trust is that it requires me to take the first risk. You can tell me all you want that you are trustworthy but until I risk with you, I really won't know. It's the same with God. He tells us that Jesus shows us the exact nature of God. I once read the gospels, taking note of every interaction that Jesus had with people. I was startled to discover the only people He "tore into" were the "religious" people whose very actions betrayed their words. He loved the broken and came to show us how much He loves us - how much His Father - our Father loves us, no matter how badly other "religious" or purely evil people have taught us - through words or example or actions.
I can choose to forever blame God and run from Him and remain lost for answers and be eaten alive by the virus of bitterness. Or I can see God's heart breaking in two for the wickedness people inflict on other children of God. Jesus said in Luke 4 He came to heal the broken hearted, set the captives free, preach good news to the poor, proclaim freedom for prisoners, recovery of sight for the blind and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor. He cries for His children who, through experiences and abuse, blame Him and refuse to look at Him - no matter how long He woos them. Because they are afraid if they looked at Him, He would heal them (Matthew and Luke).
So we really have two choices. We can continue to keep our walls up to shut His healing love out or we can let Him gently break those walls we needed for survival down to reveal our hurts, false guilt, shame, etc., and discover how deeply He loves us and wants us to rest in being His child (no matter who our earthly family was or is). We can choose to see the abuse through our angry eyes or through His wooing heart. We can let our souls be eaten alive or restored to better than before the abuse.
God is Truth. The rest is a lie. We aren't the first to be abused and, unfortunately, won't be the last. If God took over, we'd have no free will - no choice to love Him. That's why He created us - to choose to love Him with all our heart. God doesn't cause the abuse to happen.
He never promised life on earth would be easy. It wasn't for Jesus when He came. He endured a lifetime of mockery, rejection, scandal, misunderstanding, lies, then in the end, betrayal, full-body exposure in front of His own mother and friends in public, and total abandonment, even by His own Father. And all the while, He KNEW He was God, the Son! He could have wiped them all out for their treatment of Him. But, for the joy set before Him (us - redeemed by Hid death and resurrection), He endured the cross. He died for each of us who call on His name and ask to be His child. He wants to lavish His love on us as we learn to trust Him without all the dividing walls of mistrust and defenses. He promises to be with us in our suffering. He led the way to show us how to walk in the midst of suffering. And, for each of us who ask, He promises eternal life, too. He promises to never leave us or forsake us.
We can blame Him for the abuse and avoid Him and His love or we can fall at His feet, become His child and learn to trust His love and protection and turn to Him for the comfort we need. Ironically, both paths lead to suffering - one by our own choice; the other with His Presence to lead, comfort, heal and strengthen us.
May the Grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit rest with you as you read and ponder these words. Any response is a good one, if it is honest. You are safe blasting me, so don't worry about my feelings.
I've raged plenty myself. But this is where I've found my soul made whole and healed, learned to trust, look forward to the future and cast away my sorrows - to the One who promises to carry them all away.
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wondering04
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Member # 4113
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New to Christ, I still struggle with the question, where was God when I was a child? So much happened to me as a child that was hurtful and even though I prayed to God, God did not respond, protect, comfort or make his presence known to me. There were no kind adults, and the kids were brutal, as kids usually are to those who are different from them. God wants our trust and faith, but how much can one trust a God who abandoned a child to abuse? The damage was so deep that I find it practically impossible to approach God. There is fear of being abandoned again. any suggestions?
Thanks,
Heather
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2004
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