Christian Chat Network

This version of the message boards has closed.
Please click below to go to the new Christian BBS website.

New Message Boards - Click Here

You can still search for the old message here.

Christian Message Boards


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
| | search | faq | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Christian Message Boards   » Prayer   » Praise Reports &Testimonies   » MY BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY

   
Author Topic: MY BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY
HisGrace
unregistered


Icon 1 posted            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Welcome mybeautifultragedy. It's always great to hear about such amazing transformations through God's endless and unconditional grace. [Smile]

Praying that God will open many doors for new career opportunities. [Prayer]

IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HopefulHeart
Advanced Member
Member # 4525

Icon 1 posted      Profile for HopefulHeart     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't have anything to say, because you have me thinking of your "tragedy", but thank you for sharing. I will look at you posted sites and share it with my husband also as he is not yet a believer.

God Bless you and what you are doing with your art,
Jo

--------------------
Make my roots deep and strong so that I may stand tall for Harvesting.

Posts: 21 | From: Germany | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mybeautifultragedy
New Member
Member # 4558

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mybeautifultragedy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sorry for the length =/

My name is Adam Gilreath, born November 29th 1981 in Amory, Mississippi. This is my testimony and story of my life to this day in time. This story at times may be disturbing and hard to read, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The purpose of this story is for people to relate and to give them hope in a time of hopelessness. That hope is Jesus Christ.


Let's start when I was a child. During my childhood, I guess I was known as a hyper child, full of energy. I felt infinite! I thought nothing could hurt me. I was superman! All that hyperactivity turned into a problem for me when school began. I found it hard to concentrate and do work. IQ tests showed that I had the intelligence to do the work, but it didn't show up that way. I was even in the gifted program at school. So my parents, like many would be, were concerned and took me to doctors to try and find the cause of this. After many visits, they diagnosed me with A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder). So many meds and years later, with little improvement, I found myself in the 7th grade. Starting to deal with a lot of emotions and not understanding everything, I turned to music for help. I was part of the whole "grunge" era. I obsessed with suicide, Kurt Cobain and KoRn were my idols. This was the early stage of an emptiness growing inside of me. I possessed everything that had to do with them. My father purchased my first guitar during this time, which I loved.


I switched schools in the 8th grade because I really didn't get along with my peers at the previous school. Upon moving to the new school, I met a beautiful girl and experienced my first taste of "puppy love." We spent endless time with one another. Things seemed to be going ok. During these times, I experimented a little with alcohol, sniffing paint, etc. and got caught up with the wrong people. On top of that, the ex-boyfriend of my newfound love was the school bully and had it out for me. He was threatening me constantly. Things got so bad I started home schooling. One night while at home, I decided I had had enough of all this and was going to run. I had no idea where I was headed, but I was getting out of this place. I snuck out of my window and tried to crank my parent's car. They were awakened by this and caught me. This scared them, and the next thing I know, I am back to the doctors on more meds. The next thing to happen would have the biggest impact on me during these times.


One night while on the phone with my girlfriend, I was disconnected from myself for a moment and started shaking and sweating. My parents rushed me to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack. After all the tests were done, the doctors confirmed I was having a panic attack. Of course this meant more doctors and more meds to help me through these panic attacks. I went to numerous doctors, but my panic attacks weren't going away. It was like I was having a 24/7-day a week panic attack! I developed agoraphobia and wouldn't leave my house. Not for anything. Got so bad I wouldn't leave the couch. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was just withering away. Like there was no hope for me. More suicidal and depressed than ever, I was forced to drop out of school. Throughout all of my high school years, I was pretty much home bound, leaving the house only to visit the doctors. I missed out on the prom and all the other high school activities. I formed a love for the Internet, my only way to really interact with others. I also developed a love for writing. Using it as a way to vent all the pain I was feeling inside. I watched as my friends were moving on with their lives. As I sat in misery, paralyzed in this fear, I had my first introduction to God.


My family introduced me to God. My brother knew that my only hope was in Jesus Christ. At this point, I was willing to try anything to get away from this fear. My brother and I went to the water's edge at a nearby waterway, and my brother prayed with me. I felt as if I was healed of my panic attacks! I had a new reason for living! I was living for Christ and was on fire for the Lord. The story doesn't end there. It has only begun.


After a while of living for God, I experienced some depression and had my first panic attack in forever. This confused me. I thought God had healed me! This wasn't real!! I was through with this God stuff! How could God allow me to feel this way If God was real? At this point, I hated Him. I returned to my life of going to parties, meeting girls, and having sex with them. Still searching for something to fill the emptiness inside that was over taking me. This helped fill that emptiness more than God did! This was the love I was looking for, not some God.


After a while of going through different girls, trying to find something to fill that emptiness inside, I met a beautiful girl I thought would do just that. She was my life, my breath, my everything. We would quickly fall in love and I would eventually ask her to marry me. We started dating, and I started drinking. It got out of control with the combination of taking Xanax and drinking. We were constantly going to parties and getting drunk. While at the parties, I would form a small fellowship of people and tell them why God wasn't real! Drunk and screaming at the top of my lungs, I would curse God, saying stuff like, "If you are real, I blame you! I hate you!"


I would come in so many nights and pass out from the combination of alcohol and pills. I remember coming home one night drunk and cursing God. It was so bad and I was threatening myself so much my parents had to call the cops on me. I was handcuffed in my own house. I settled down and after a while the cop left and didn't take me to jail or anything, but later that night my eyes rolled back in my head and my parents rushed me to the hospital. The combination of pills, alcohol, and stress were having their way with my body. Needless to say I was ok after a while and went back home. That didn't slow me down one bit. It got so bad that I was drinking every day and night. I would drink a pint of Jack Daniels or more each time, taking Xanax along with it. I didn't value my life one bit. One night on Halloween, I got into a fight with a guy and chased him around in my car, drunk and skidding all over the place. When I got home, my parents were asking me what I was thinking and questioning me. I ran through the woods barefoot, not knowing where I was going. Finally, I came back with stone bruises and cuts all over my feet.


Once again, none of this was slowing me down. During this time, I found out about my girlfriend cheating on me. She cheated on me several times, and so I cheated on her too. Dealing with the panic attacks, addiction, and the heartache of the relationship, it was too much.


I started cutting myself.


2003 was the worst year for me. The love of my life and my fiance at the time broke up. All the drinking we did created nothing but problems between the two of us and caused us to split. I was also taking Xanax and drinking every night - in tears . . . writing poetry and random thoughts to vent the way I felt . . . cutting myself as a way to release all this emotional pain. It got to the point where I couldn't even feel emotions anymore. I felt dead to everyone and everything. I was cutting to see if I were real and could still feel. I was so numb that I couldn't really feel anything much. Each time the blade cut my flesh, I knew it was one cut closer to my death. I was acutally ok with that. My arms were covered with cuts and looked horrific. Nothing was helping me; the emptiness had taken over me at this point. My writings reveal the pain and hurt I was in. They also reveal the spiritual attack I was under. I firmly believe cutting was a form a demonic possession. Not the kind where you levitate and talk in an inhuman, audible voice, but definitely Satan attacking your thoughts.


Below are 3 separate entries of my writings during this time. I am only including them as an example of how lost I was and how much God has changed my life. Do not read them if you think you will be offended. I have edited the cursing and left the bad spelling.


"I have realized I am a very sick person. I want to have conversations with the top of my own coffin. Cursed and having morbid fantasies of my dead body in a hurse. I don't understand why my mind is so wicked. I enjoy it sometimes, then sometimes it scares me. I can't control the evil inside. Satan himself doesnt have anything on the thoughts that enter my mind. I see myself floating in a pool of black rose pedals and bloody water, with upside down crosses carved into my wrists. Along side the pool are crumbled up pieces of paper with my worthless poetry written on them. Beautiful sounds coming from murderous screams. Dead bodies swaying from the trees hanging in depressional moods smiling with death's beauty. Cold gusts of wind giving chills to those who are normal and comfort to the freaks. I'm an addict to this hatred and dark demented way of thinking."


"Yesterday I finally escaped this house of impending doom. The echoes that chant in the hollowness of my sickened mind are now growing louder. This deep dark journey through depression has just begun in my life. Not that i haven't already falling victim to this evil my entire life, it's just now more than ever the darkness consumes all of me. My thoughts rain down in rewind and play back things that once happened in time. The haunting sight of memories, all of things i can never be. I find a beauty in being lonely and a comfort in anonymity.What concerns me now is that I've lost my desire for everything. It has vanished. No where to be found. I'm hollow,empty,and numb to all feelings. I'm a walking dead body. Nothin. Blank stares rule a majority of my life. A thoughtless daze and a dreamless sleep. Staring into nothing for hours thinking of nothing feeling nothing. I am nothing. It may seem strange to some and normal to others, but I find a pleasure in the stinging of the needle as it breaks through my skin. One day this vile will be as empty as I and will no longer be my saviour. Cutting to escape this reality we call life, I sit with myself alone....just me and my knife."


"Fiction satisfying my inner needs, for once i played inside this child's head. Directing this horror into scenes i see fit, creating mayhem into the dreams of the innocent. Rambling in tongues and humming haunted melodies while typing this absurd non-sense. Now losing concentration of where i was headed with this. Ahhhh the anger boils inside, red bleeding through black. Teeth gritting obsessions fighting their way inside my thoughts. Confusion numbing my emotional senses. Cutting not helping break the numbness. Silence crashing inside my mind causing a piercing sound. Blank. Screaming. Nothing. Empty. Hollow. Something. Growing inside. Coming outside. Now on my side. Then on your side. Taking control. Letting go. Oh my god is this just a show? Of what? Escaping barely. Me so scary. Black frames. Pictures insane. Painting satanic portraits in my black fortress. You call this the end. This is the end. Of what to begin?"


As you can see, I was close to the end of my rope. I was searching for meaning with different religions, reading as much info as I could about them. I was trying to find some reason for living but was. finding nothing and getting worse each day. After going to a bar and getting drunk, I found myself in jail for a DUI. I blew four points from being legally dead. The insanity continued.


The night of my birthday, my ex-band member and best friend at the time (who was a cutter) went crazy at his house. We started cutting ourselves like crazy. I was cutting cuts. He was breaking glass on his forehead and cutting himself with it. A few weeks after this incident, I felt physically sick. I was urinating constantly and was thirsty all the time. I went to the doctor to get checked out, and when they checked my blood sugar, it wouldn't even read on their machine. I was put in ICU where they said my blood sugar level was 718. A normal reading is from 80 to 120. I was in serious danger of losing my life. I was diagnosed with diabetes, and after four days of insulin drip, my sugar came down. Now taking six shots a day, my life of drinking and cutting was at a halt.


I found out once I got out of the hospital that my best friend had slept with my ex-fiance while I was in the hospital. I was angered and outraged. How?!?!? Why!?!?!?! My whole life was falling apart even more! I couldn't believe it could get any worse!!! I wanted to just disappear. I wanted to die. I hated this life. I would rather be dead than have to live like this the rest of my life. I went to my friend's house and demanded we fight. I got in a fight only a few days out of ICU. Once I got home, that night I said with in tears in my eyes, "God, I can't do this anymore!!! It's out of my control!!! I hurt so badly!!!!! Please save me!!!! Once I said that, God delivered me of everything I had been bound by! Now I am experiencing happiness for the first time!!! Jesus Christ is real and saved me!!! I am now devoted to spreading the love of Christ to the masses through art, music, poetry and this website.


Some people ask me, "How do I feel about having diabetes"? I consider my diabetes a blessing from God. Paul wrote a lot of the New Testament with a thorn in the flesh. God wouldn't take away Paul's thorn in the flesh to help him deal with his pride. I consider my diabetes my "thorn in the flesh". I honestly believe God allowed my diabetes to get my attention and to keep me in constant check and appreciation of His love. Will God heal me of this? Maybe. Either way I will forever live my life for Him. Listen to me please. I lost everything. My girl, my friends, and almost my life. I wouldn't take any of back though. I gained something so much more. We all have difficulties in life. Your problems may differ from those you read above, but one thing is for sure, Jesus died for you and me. He loves us more than we will ever truly know. You have to stop running from God and start running to Him.


You have to surrender yourself to Him. I know He will make the change in your life you need and want and He will bless you with the desires of your heart. He did it for me! A person who preached against God and cursed Him. He can do it for you and will if you let Him. If don't know Jesus Christ or would like to please read below or e-mail me at adam@mybeautifultragedy.com


If you do not know or want a personal relationship with Jesus Christ first you must understand that you are a sinner. the bible says, "All have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).


Second, you must understand that you cannot save yourself by your efforts. The Bible is very clear that it's "not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us" (Titus 3:5). Again, "By grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9).


Third, you must believe that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, died for your sins. The Bible says, "God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). That means He died in your place. Your sin debt has been paid by the blood of Jesus Christ, which "cleanseth us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).


Fourth, you must put your faith in Jesus Christ and Him alone for your salvation. The blood of Christ does you no good until you receive Him by faith. The Bible says, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved" (Acts 16:31).


Have you ever taken this all-important step of faith? If not, I urge you to do it right now. Why? Because Jesus is the only way to heaven!


Speaking of Jesus, the Apostle Peter said in Acts 4:12, "Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved."


Jesus Himself said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by Me" (John 14:6). It couldn't be any clearer than that.


Are you willing to offer the following prayer to God today? "Oh, God, I'm a sinner, I'm lost, and I need to be saved. I know I can't save myself, so right now, once and for all, I trust You to save me. Come into my heart, forgive my sin, and make me Your child. I give You my life. I will live for You as You give me strength."


If you will make this your heartfelt prayer, God will hear and save you! Jesus has promised that He will not turn away anyone who comes to Him in faith (John 6:37). He will make you a child of God, if you will turn to Him (John 1:12).


I am offering to anyone who did that to please e-mail me with the following info below and i will send you a free bible and literature to get you started with your new life with Christ!


Name:
Mailing Address:
Age:
Email:


Thanks and Be Blessed

--------------------
http://www.mybeautifultragedy.com
http://www.devilhater.com
http://www.anonymitymusic.com

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator


 
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Christian Message Board | Privacy Statement



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.5.0

Christian Chat Network

New Message Boards - Click Here